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AA-102 



MEMOIRS 
OF 
AN 
ANTI- 
APOSTLE 



AA-1025 

THE MEMOIRS OF AN ANTI-APOSTLE 



I 



n the 1960's, a French Catholic nurse, Marie 
Carre, attended an auto-crash victim who was brought 
into her hospital in a city she purposely does not 
name. The man lingered there near death for a few 
hours and then died. He had no identification on him, 
but he had a briefcase in which there was a set of 
quasi-biographical notes. She kept these notes and 
read them, and because of their extraordinary con- 
tent, decided to publish them. The result is this little 
book, AA-1025— The Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle, 
about a Communist who purposely entered the Cath- 
olic priesthood (along with many, many others) with 
the intent to subvert and destroy the Church from 
within. 

This little book, his strange yet fascinating and 
illuminating set of biographical notes, tells of his 
commission to enter the priesthood, his various 
experiences in the seminary, and the means and 
methods he used and promoted to help effect from 
within the auto-dissolution of the Catholic Church. 

Absorbing and compelling reading from beginning 
to end, AA-1025— The Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle is 
must reading for every Catholic today and for all who 
would understand just what has happened to under- 
mine the Catholic Church since the 1960's. No one 
will read this book without a profound assent that 
something just like what is described here must surely 
have happened on a wide scale in order to have dis- 
rupted the life of the Catholic Church so dramatically. 



ISBN D-a^SSS-MMI-b 



TAN 




AA-1025 

The Memoirs of 
an Anti-Apostle 



by 
Marie Carre 



TAN BOOKS AND PUBLISHERS, INC. 
Rockford, Illinois 61105 



This book was originally published in May, 1972 in 
French under the title ES-1025 by Editions Segieb, 78 
Freneuse, France. 

The English edition of this book was originally published 
in 1973 by Editions Saint-Raphael, 31, rue King Quest, 
suite 212, Sherbrooke, Quebec, Canada. 

This English edition copyright © 1991 by TAN Books 
and Publishers, Inc. 

Library of Congress Catalog Card No: 91-75254 

ISBN: 0-89555-449-6 

Printed and bound in the United States of America. 



TAN BOOKS AND PUBLISHERS, INC. 

P.O. Box 424 

Rockford, Illinois 61105 

1991 



Notice 
From The French Edition 

This book is a dramatized presentation of 
certain facts which are occurring in the Church 
and which are perplexing to many of the 
faithful. 

All resemblance to persons or contem- 
porary events are not to be considered as purely 
accidental. 



Testimony 

It has been my privilege and pleasure to read 
three times the book written by Marie Carre, and 
whose French title is ES 1025 and to compare it, 
line after line, with this English translation. 

Therefore, I do hereby certify that this transla- 
tion is accurate and gives the English reader a gen- 
uine knowledge of the contents of this valuable book. 
I also feel that it is my Christian duty to invite 
English-speaking Catholics to read this book if they 
wish to understand clearly what His Holiness Pope 
Paul VI meant when he warned Catholics not to 
participate in the 'auto-demolition" of their Church, 
that is, its destruction "from within." This reading 
will remind Catholics of their duty of faithfulness 
and devotedness towards their Church and its Chief, 
the Pope of Rome. 

— Rev. Ira J. Bourassa, 
D.P., B.A., D.Ph., D.Th. 



Publisher's Note 
About This Book 

Marie Carre was a French nurse and a convert 
from Protestantism in 1965. She died in Marseille, 
France in 1984. In May, 1972 she had AA-1025 
published by Editions Segieb in Freneuse, France 
under the title ES-1025, which stands for Eleve 
Seminariste - 1025, or "Seminary Student-1025." In 
1973 the book was published in both French and 
English by Editions Saint-Raphael in Sherbrooke, 
Quebec, Canada, the English edition of which had 
been printed seven times by 1988. 

According to the publisher at Editions Saint- 
Raphael, the story as she tells it is essentially true 
and the way it happened; however, she did, appar- 
ently, do some slight editing of the text to make 
it more readable. Nonetheless, there is obviously 
a strong difference in style between Marie Carre's 
Prologue and her interjected editorial comment on 
pages 94 to 98, on the one hand, and the text itself, 
on the other, which is strong indication that the 
story was written by someone else. Also, there is 
evidence of authenticity in the Memoirs themselves, 



viii AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

which discuss a matter that did not take place until 
approximately 1980 to 1983, namely, the adulation 
given to Martin Luther in various quarters in the 
Church — this especially leading up to the 500th 
centennial of his birth in 1983. It is not reasonable 
to imagine that a nurse, or anyone else, for that 
matter, could have predicted in 1971 or 1972 that 
various people in the Catholic Church would, within 
ten years, be extolling Martin Luther as some sort 
of religious hero. 

Even if this book were pure fabrication from 
beginning to end, nonetheless, what it claims to 
prognosticate has actually come true — unerringly 
so! Besides this, moreover, all the many profound 
and even revolutionary changes that have occurred 
within the Catholic Church since Vatican Council 
II (1962-1965) had to have been conceived in the 
minds of people intimately familiar with the work- 
ings of the Catholic Church and also had to have 
been promoted by such people through influential 
channels within the Church, or they would never 
have been accepted and put into place. 

AA-1025 makes profoundly thought-provoking 
reading today, when we in our time have seen vir- 
tually all the changes discussed in this book come 
to pass. 



Prologue 

How must one begin to write a book when 
not a writer, or rather, how can one explain that 
he believes it is his duty to publish memoirs — 
memoirs that are quite terrible (and precisely 
because they are so terribly disquieting)? 

Then, let us say that these first pages are an 
appeal to Catholics of today in the form of a fore- 
word or rather a confession. Yes, "a confession" (inso- 
far as "poor little me" is concerned) seems to be 
the right word, although it is one of those words 
which no one wishes to use nowadays. Well, when 
I say "no one," I only wish to designate those who 
believe that they give proof of intelligence by con- 
forming themselves to the ways of today and even 
to the ways of the day after tomorrow. 

As for me, I find only one commonplace word 
to explain my own position: I will say that the ways 
of today, the ways of so-called "meaning of history" 
have a taste of "ashes" to me. But, Lord, You well 
know that I firmly believe that You are the Strong- 
est. Is it necessary to clarify this? Yes, in these 



x AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

present days. Yes, I believe it to be indispensable, 
because people now put their confidence in the 
power of man, a power that can launch rockets but 
allows people to die from hunger, a power that puts 
machines to work, but is also their oppressed slave 
. . .a power that pretends to have no use for God, 
but knows how to trick people in discussing the 
creation of the world. 

I must stop talking. I must calm myself. 

All that precedes so far is only destined, by 
modesty, to delay the moment when I must 
introduce myself to the reader. 

Well, I am only a mere nurse, who has neverthe- 
less seen many persons die and who continues to 
believe in the Mercy of God, and who has 
experienced how the Will of the Invisible God 
reveals itself at the right moment. 

I am only a nurse, and I saw — in a country 
that I will not name, in a hospital that must remain 
anonymous — I saw a man die following an automo- 
bile accident, a man without a name, without a 
nationality, I mean, without identification papers. 

Nevertheless, he had in his briefcase documents 
I was forced to examine. One of these documents 
began by these words: "I am the man without a 
name, the man without a family, without a country 
and without a heritage." 



Prologue xi 

Apparently, this text of about one hundred type- 
written pages could bring no clue allowing one to 
identify this injured man. But who knows. 

Moreover, let me be honest and, since I have 
spoken of confession, let me be completely honest 
about it: I already had decided to read these inti- 
mate notes. So I gave in quickly to this temptation. 
I could not foresee that, by letting my feminine 
curiosity stifle my scruples as a nurse. . .that I 
should come upon a veracious document that would 
upset and overwhelm me. 

As this text was too serious to be simply thrown 
into the fire, too "compelling" to be entrusted into 
anybody's hands, [or it] seemed too truthful to me, 
especially to me, a former Protestant converted to 
the Holy Catholic and everlasting Church, to the 
Holy Church in which only it is required to try 
to practice a small or great but especially persever- 
ing holiness, that [as all this seemed to be true], 
I could not avoid giving precedence to the defense 
of my Holy Church above all other considerations. 
Oh, I know very well that God does not need to 
be defended, that He has no need of me, but I 
also know that He could in the past have left me 
in error, in the sadness of unanswered questions, 
in the atmosphere of a supreme presumption which, 
for example, has kept the Irish Catholics in ghettos 
for four centuries, where laws pretending to be legiti 
mate and sacred acted as a barbed wire fence. 



xii AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Not that I am Irish. Do not try to find out 
who I am; you will never do so. But the Irish, with- 
out being aware of it, have helped me to show some 
courage. At least may this humble testimony make 
up for what souls of great wisdom and of high stand- 
ing forget to accomplish. But my injured patient 
was not Irish either. He seemed to be more or less 
a Slav. But this is not particularly important, since 
he could not speak. 

Nevertheless, I tried to get some information 
from him by asking him to close his eyelids every 
time he wished to answer in the affirmative. At that 
time I had not yet read the document that he car- 
ried with him. But either he refused to answer my 
questions, or he did not have the strength to do 
so. How will I ever know? 

It is only after his death that I realized, in read- 
ing the text, that he must have suffered a thousand 
times more in thinking of these hundred pages that 
he should never have had the weakness of writing 
than he suffered from his wounds and fractures. 

If I had only known the immense power, the 
unbelievable importance of this man, reduced to 
the state of a broken puppet, I might have found 
the words that he needed to hear. I might have 
been able to destroy the armor that he had invented 
to shield his spite (why not simply say his suffer- 
ing?). An armor, even strengthened by years of work, 
can also be destroyed in a fraction of a second. God 



Prologue xiii 

and the Saints know this. 

But I was only occupied with my work as a 
nurse; no this is not quite true; as for me (and that 
is not to be found in my books, my courses nor 
my examinations), prayer is complementary to 
medical care. And I prayed for this man who, I was 
told, possessed no identification papers. 

I gave him a name. I called him Michael, 
because this Archangel often helped me. This Latin 
word Michael consoled me for having to listen in 
our new religious ceremonies — as noisy as our 
streets, our stadiums and our radios — to all those 
new words to which was added the adjective ver- 
nacular to impress and silence us. For, all this is 
comedy, all those speeches by which we are invited 
to participate as adults (while Christ called to Him- 
self little children) is but derision trying to disguise 
some kind of ironical and cruel authoritativeness, 
but [which is] apt to turn against itself. 

Therefore, I prayed for that man, naming him 
Michael and without suspecting that he was one 
of our worst enemies. Had I known it, my Chris- 
tian duty would always have been to pray for him, 
to urge others to pray for him with unequaled ardor. 

Now I have had Masses offered for him, but 
it is difficult to find Masses that keep the absolute 
appearance of a thousandfold holy Sacrifice and that 
have not the pitiful aspect of a pleasant meal. Alas, 



xiv AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

thrice alas! 

Michael had an unforgettable look in his eyes, 
but one which I could not read. 

After having received knowledge of his confi- 
dences, I tried to revive in myself the power of that 
look in order to discover in it what he wished me 
to do with his memoirs. 

But, first of all, why had he written them? 

Was there not in this a sign of real weakness, 
maybe the only dangerous weakness to which he 
had given in? What was his aim? Was it one of domi- 
nation or of consolation? Only God knows. 

Today I met a girlfriend who wishes that this 
text be published. 

But have I a right to do this? 

My greatest sorrow consists in confirming that 
I could never wish to ask that question in Confes- 
sion, as I would have done some years ago. 

No, the very holy virtue of obedience is today 
the extremely powerful weapon that our enemies, 
who pretend to be our friends, make use of against 
what we were, to put up in its stead, what they 
have decided to have us become. 



Prologue xv 

In short, this word "become" can be described, 
because it is known; it already has four centuries 
of existence, and it is called Protestantism. 

There it is: We are invited bit by bit, little obe- 
dience by little obedience, from false humility to 
false remorse, from deceitful charity to deceptive 
ambiguity, from words disguised as a double-edged 
word, of which "yes" is "no" and "no" is "yes" — 
we are invited, I say, to pretend to remain good 
Catholics all the while becoming perfect Protestants. 

This is a brilliant idea, but, after all, someone 
had to think of it. 

Yes, such is the Christianity today that some 
pretend to make us love. 

But history teaches us who is the most Patient, 
who is the Strongest, who is the most Faithful. 

May Michael forgive me if I reveal his role, 
for it is for his good and ours also. 

"Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam." ["To the greater 
honor and glory of God."] 



Table of Contents 



1. How The Man Without A Name Is 
Willing To Reveal The Greatest Mystery 

Of His Life 1 

2. How We Discover That Misfortune Works 

To Fortify Human Beings 9 

3. How Pride Is Exalted As A Dominant And 
Superb Quality 16 

4. How The Art Of Playing The Comedy Of 
Modesty Meets With A Perfectly Humble 
Obstacle 24 

5. How An Ambitious Anti-Christian Program 
Leads To Assassination 32 

6. How The An ti- Apostle Effectively Begins 
His Work And Feels A Very Special 

Hatred For The Cassock 39 

7. How The Hero Tries To Test The Secret 

Of Confession 46 

8. How The Ambitious One Who Thought 
Himself Stronger Than All Meets "Raven 
Hair" And Fears His First Weakness 54 



xvn 



xviii AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

9. How An Anti-religious Zeal Would Like 

To Drag "Raven Hair" In Its Wake 64 

10. How A Simple Medal Is Allowed To Play 
A Part As If It Had Some Kind Of Right 
Over The Men Whom It Encounters 71 

11. How The Destructive Work Seems To 
Make Great Progress Although It Runs 
Against Ridiculously Childish Obstacles. . . 78 

12. The Catechism Of The Year 2000 And A 

Poor But Zealous Student 85 

13. How The Apostles' Creed And The Seven 
Sacraments Are Severely Censured 92 

14. How A Universal Church Should Sing The 
Glory Of Man 105 

15. How "Raven Hair" Writes A Letter 
Worthy Of Medieval And Romantic 
Obscurantism 116 

16. How The Sacrifice Of A Dear Friend 
Seems To Be Drowned In A Torrent 
Which Is About To Renovate The Face 

Of The Church 123 



How The Man Without A Name 

Is Willing To Reveal The 

Greatest Mystery Of His Life 

I ask myself why I feel like writing my memoirs. 
It is rather strange. I believe that I write them 
because I do so every night in my dreams, whence 
a kind of complicity that forces me, I imagine, to 
continue during the daytime. But it matters not; 
no one will ever read them; I will destroy them 
in due time. 



I am the man without a name, the man with- 
out a family, without a country and without heri- 
tage. I am one of those people whom bourgeois 
and bureaucrats despise. On account of this and 
of those who have wanted to be good to me, I have 
suffered stupidly If only I had known what happi- 
ness would come from it! But I was too young to 
guess that from misfortune can spring up "rockets 
and suns." 

1 



2 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

I was at first the small boy without a name. 
1 seemed to be three years old. I was crying and 
dragging myself on a Polish road. This was in 1920. 
Therefore, I can safely presume that I was born 
in 1917. But where and from whom? It seems that 
I could scarcely speak, that my Polish was very poor 
and my Russian still worse. I did not appear to 
understand German. Who was I? I could not even 
say my name any more. For, after all, I had had 
a name and I had answered to the call of my name. 
Hereafter, I will have to be content with the name 
chosen by my adoptive parents. 

Even today, after fifty years, a wave of anger, 
although much lessened, crosses my heart every 

time that I recall Doctor and Mrs. X . They 

were good, they were generous, they were magnani- 
mous. They had no child and they adopted me. They 
loved me more, I believe, than a child of their own. 
They loved me, because I had dragged them out 
of the despair in which sterility had plunged them. 

I believe that they considered me as a gift from 
Heaven. For they had such a strong piety that they 
referred to God all that happened to them. Of 
course, they taught me, as if it were a game, to do 
likewise. Their virtue was so great that I never heard 
them speak ill about anyone. 

At the time they found me, crying alone on 
a road, they were still young, about 35 years of age. 



The Man Without a Name 3 

They were very good-looking and I was quickly 
sensitive to the almost exaggerated love that united 
them. When they looked at each other, then kissed, 
a pleasant feeling plunged me into delight. They 
were my father and my mother and I would say 
these possessive adjectives with a very juvenile 
ardor. My mother, especially, showed me such exces- 
sive love that I should have become unbearable. 
I do not know why it was not so. I was naturally 
calm and studious. I gave them no trouble. Not 
that I was girlish. I could fight quite well. To fight, 
it is not necessary to be violent or to be endowed 
with a bad character. My parents, especially my 
mother, thought that I had a good character, but 
they did not notice that, by a happy coincidence, 
my will agreed with theirs. I was very ambitious, 
and they approved of it. A boy does not ask for 
anything more. 

In the year that I became fourteen years old, 
since I had achieved much success in my studies, 
it was decided that we would visit Rome and Paris. 
I was so happy that I tried to sleep less and less. 
Sleep seemed lost time to me, and I wanted to pre- 
pare for this trip. I read up on these two cities in 
advance, so to say. 

One night, when my eyelids refused to obey 
me and to stay open, I imagined that my father 
must have some kind of medicine to keep sleep 
away. So I tiptoed to the parlor. They were in the 
adjoining room and were talking about me. They 



4 AA 1025— Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

were worried about my passport, saying that / was 
not their son. 

It was like a thunderbolt, do you know? At 
least that is what novelists say in like circumstances. 
But, I say that it is still worse and that human lan- 
guage simply has no word to express such abomi- 
nation. And the pain that begins at that moment 
has the particularity of being immeasurable and as 
small as a newborn baby. Like a baby, it will grow 
and become stronger, but its victim is unaware of it. 

I would have wished to die, and my heart 
seemed to go that way. How fast my heart beat while 
all the rest of myself seemed to be transformed into 
granite! When my heart came back to its normal 
pulse, I could again move. My body ached from 
head to toe. I did not know pain; that is why its 
first visit seized me completely and it took com- 
mand of my life for a certain time. My pain urged 
me to leave, and I did so at once, without bringing 
anything with me. I would even have liked to leave 
naked, so as to owe nothing to those people. 

For surely they were and are always "those 
people." The hatred that I feel for them matches 
the love that they showed me. For they always lied 
to me, even if they really loved me. That I will never 
forgive them for; I forgive nothing, by principle. If 
I were logical, I would be grateful to them. It is 
thanks to them if I am today one of the most 
redoubtable secret agents. I have become God's per- 



The Man Without a Name 5 

sonal enemy, the one who has decided to have taught 
and proclaimed in the whole world the death of 
a God who in fact has never existed. 

My pain urged me to run as far as Vladivostock. 
And I started out. But after a few thousand minutes, 
although I was a husky boy, I had to lean against 
a wall to regain my breath. The wall became a cloud 
to me, and I slid to the ground, stunned; at the 
same time, a far-off voice was saying, "Oh, he is 
a poor boy!" 

I turned around with the intention of stran- 
gling the woman trying to show me some kind of 
maternalism. 

My homicidal project was checked by disgust. 
I would never touch, even with the tips of my fingers, 
the skin of such a hideous person. I tried to speak, 
but I choked. Two women were trying to make me 
drink alcohol. I spat it out and immediately fell 
asleep. Broad daylight woke me up. A woman sit- 
ting at the foot of my bed was looking at me. Thence 
she had carried me. She might have been the same 
woman, but she no longer had make-up on her face. 
I said to her: "You are less disgusting than you were 
last night." She answered calmly, "Than the day 
before yesterday." That was why I was so hungry 
I asked for something to eat, because women are 
destined to feed men. Might as well let her know 
at once that I would ask nothing else of her. I must 
say that she brought me heaps of good things. 



6 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

I was beginning to soften when she said to me, 
"You have run away from home. You are 'so and 
so.' " I answered nothing, waiting for what was to 
come next. She added, "I can help you to cross 
into Russia." "How do you know that I wish to go 
to Russia?" "You spoke in your sleep." "So that is 
how you have learned my name?" "No. It was in 
the newspaper. Your parents beg you to return. They 
promise not to scold you." "I have no parents." 

She must have understood that I had decided 
not to return because she said, "I have relatives in 
Russia. I can help you, help you to cross the border." 

It was like a flash of light for me. So I asked 
her if she would agree to carry a letter to a com- 
rade of mine, who would return from class at noon- 
time. She seemed pleased to be able to do something 
for me. I prepared a short note in code. Happily, 
we had this habit to amuse ourselves and no one 
ever knew anything about it. In this dramatic cir- 
cumstance, I could therefore make use of what had 
seemed to be just play for us. The pal in question 
was rich, and his parents were spoiling him outra- 
geously by giving him much more money than he 
needed. I hoped that on this day he had some sub- 
stantial savings destined to buy something com- 
pletely useless. I knew that the friendship he felt 
for me — I mean that we felt for one another — would 
pass before anything else and that he would send 
me all the money that he could spare, all the more 
so because I did not hide from him mv intention 



The Man Without a Name 7 

of crossing secretly into Russia, a country that he 
admired for its audacity. In fact, as he did not get 
along well with his father, he preferred Russia, his 
mother's country; and I knew that, although he 
envied me, he would have died rather than admit 
that he had some information about my running 
away. I even remembered that an uncle of his was 
a civil servant, at Leningrad, I believe. I asked him 
the address of this uncle and a word of recommen- 
dation. At the moment the woman was about to 
leave, I quickly added a post-scriptum, saying, "I 
want to enter the Party and to become someone 
great in the Party." It was to be my vengeance. The 
woman waited in front of my friend's door until 
he would return from school. She was lucky, because 
that day he returned at two p.m. 

My friend recognized her and gave her a par- 
cel. It contained a long coded letter for me, a letter 
in regular wording for the uncle, and a nice bundle 
of money A real good guy! 

I will not divulge, for reasons easily guessed, 
how I came to pass the border and to end up at 
Leningrad. 

But, on the other hand, my first visit to the 
Uncle had something of an unforgettable charac- 
ter, since I know it by heart and I amuse myself 
at reliving it periodically. 

I ignored what position the Uncle occupied 



8 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

in the Russian administration, but I decided to be 
frank with him. 

If I wanted to reach the rank that I had set 
for myself, I thought it better to play the game of 
frankness with this unique man. 

I think that he understood me very well at this 
very first visit and that I pleased him. 

The Uncle told me that I would have to study 
first of all the doctrine of the Party and languages. 

All would depend on the quality of my studies. 
I answered that in everything I would always be 
first, and that I would soon know more than my 
professors. 

It is agreeable to have someone with whom 
you can show your true self. He was the only one. 
I told him so. He was flattered, although he 
answered me with a slightly ironical smile. 

At that moment, I undoubtedly was stronger 
than he, and I felt a wave of joy invading me, the 
first since I had run away. It did not last long, but 
it seemed to me a good omen, just the same. 

I studied ferociously for six years. My two only 
joys were my trimestrial visit to the Uncle and my 
hatred for God, with the certainty of becoming the 
unquestioned Chief of Universal Atheism. 



How We Discover That 

Misfortune Works To Fortify 

Human Beings 

The Uncle was my sole friend, the only man 
who truly knew me. For all others, I wished to be 
insignificant and I easily succeeded. 

Women did not interest me; I even had a cer- 
tain aversion for them and, as a consequence, for 
the idiots who love them too much. My determina- 
tion to learn the maximum was greatly helped by 
an astonishing memory. After reading a bock atten- 
tively, I knew it by heart, even if it were written 
in a pretentious style. But I also had the faculty 
of retaining only what was worthwhile. My distinctly 
superior intelligence would retain only the valua- 
ble ideas, and I knew how to criticize even the 
greatest professors. My liking for atheistic doctrines, 
which are the basis and foundation of the Party, 
exalted my zeal, which was unbounded. 

At the end of six years of arduous studies, the 

9 



10 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Uncle summoned me one evening to his office. Until 
then, he had received me at his home. 

On that day, I noticed that he was really a high 
police officer, as I had always supposed him to be. 

He made me a tough proposal, capable, he 
thought, of upsetting me. He said to me: "I am 
now going to send you to practice a militant and 
international atheism. You will have to fight all 
religions, but principally the Catholic, which is 
better organized. To do so, you will enter a semi- 
nary and become a Roman Catholic priest." 

A moment of silence — during which I let joy 
pervade me while I kept an appearance of total 
indifference — was my only answer. The Uncle was 
satisfied and he did not hide it. With the same 
calm, he continued: 'To be able to enter a semi- 
nary, you will have to return to Poland, reconcile 
yourself with your adoptive family, and present your- 
self to the bishop." I had a short feeling of revolt. 
Since the beginning of my connections with the 
Uncle, it was the first time that I did not master 
myself. He seemed to be satisfied and amused by 
it. "So," he said, "you are not totally made of mar- 
ble" This reflection made me furious, and I 
answered dryly, "I am and I shall remain so what- 
ever happens." 

The Uncle seemed to be relaxed and even 
amused, as if my career, my vocation, my future 



Misfortune Does Fortify Human Beings 11 

(and therefore that of the Party) did not depend 
upon the decisions taken on this day. 

He added: "Marble is a beautiful thing, of 
primordial use for one who wishes to become a 
secret agent, but on this occasion it is necessary 
that you show to your family the greatest affection." 
I felt like a coward and asked in a pitiful tone, "Dur- 
ing six years of seminary?" He answered me with 
the harshness shown toward the guilty: "And if I 
said yes, what would you answer?" It was easy for 
me to reply that I would submit, and I was sur- 
prised to feel more witty than he. He kept on smil- 
ing and said to me: "Yes, you were not able to hide 
that you thought me to be an idiot who was naively 
showing his hand." I turned red, something that 
never happens to me. He added: "A secret agent 
has no blood in his veins, no heart, loves no one, 
not even himself. He is the thing of the Party, which 
will devour him alive and without warning. Keep 
this well in mind, that wherever you will be, we 
will watch you and get rid of you at your first impru- 
dence. It is to be well understood that if you are 
in danger, even without its being your fault, you 
must not rely upon us. You will be disavowed." I 
answered: "I know all that, but I never hid from 
you the hatred that I feel for them." "Hatred, except 
the hatred of God, at Lenin's example, does not 
enter into our services" he replied. "I need you 
to be accepted by a true bishop of your native coun- 
try, Poland. But, we do not intend to have you pur- 
sue your religious studies in that country. No, you 



12 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

will be sent to a country across the Atlantic, but 
this is confidential, and you will simulate surprise 
when you receive that order. Yes, we are led to fear 
a European war with that fool who rules Germany 
Therefore, it seems wiser to have you study some- 
where else, Canada, for example. We have another 
motive also; it is that European Seminaries are much 
more strict than those of America." 

I made an imperceptible gesture of protest, 
which was immediately detected. The Uncle kept 
on saying: "I know that you could endure six years 
of very strict seminary life without ever going out, 
but that is not the point. We need to have you learn 
what is going on in the world, and it is wise to 
be able to speak to the world in order to make 
it lose its faith, and it is to be understood, without 
ever being suspected. It would be of no avail to 
send young men to seminaries if they got caught. 
No, you will remain a priest until death, and you 
will behave as a faithful and chaste priest. Anyway, 
I know you, you are an intellectual." Then, he gave 
me a few precisions on the operation of the service 
into which I was going to enter and at the head 
of which I hoped to end my days. 

As soon as I entered the seminary, I was sup- 
posed to try to discover how to destroy all that was 
taught to me. But, to do so, I should have to study 
attentively and intelligently — that is, without 
passion — the history of the Church. I would partic- 
ularly never lose sight of the fact that persecutions 



Misfortune Does Fortify Human Beings 13 

only make martyrs of whom Catholics have had rea- 
son to say that they are the seed of Christians. There- 
fore, no martyrs. I must never forget that all religions 
are based on fear, the ancestral fear; all religions 
are born from this fear. Therefore, if you suppress 
fear, you suppress religions. But that is not suffi- 
cient. "It is up to you," he told me, "to discover 
the right methods." I was swimming in joy. He 
added: "You will write to me every week, very 
shortly, to mention all the slogans that you wish 
to spread in the world, with a brief explanation of 
the reasons that have prompted you to choose them. 
At the end of a certain time, more or less long, 
you will be put into direct action with the network. 
That is, you will have ten persons under your orders, 
and each of these ten will also have ten other per- 
sons under their orders. 

"The ten persons who will be directly under 
your orders will never know you. To reach you, they 
will have to pass through me. Thus you will never 
be denounced. We already have in our service 
numerous priests in all countries where Catholi- 
cism is implanted, but you will never know one 
another. One is a bishop. Maybe you will enter into 
contact with him; it will depend upon the rank that 
you reach. We have spies everywhere and particu- 
larly old ones, who follow the press of the whole 
world. A resume will be sent to you regularly. We 
will easily know when your own ideas have made 
their way into peoples' minds. See, an idea is good 
when some idiot writer presents it as one of his 



14 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

own. Nobody is more conceited than a writer. We 
rely much on such writers and we do not have to 
train them. They work for us without knowing it, 
or rather without wanting to." 

I asked him how I could reach him if war broke 
out. He had foreseen everything. I would receive, 
in due time, a letter mailed from a free country 
and out of reach of hostilities. 

I would recognize such a letter to be valid 
because it would contain my secret appellation, that 
is "AA-1025." "AA" meant 'Anti-Apostle." I was there- 
fore led to think that the number 1025 was my ser- 
vice number. To my great surprise, I had guessed 
right. Therefore I cried out, "1,024 priests or semi- 
narians have entered this career before me." "That 
is correct," he answered coldly. I was not dis- 
couraged, but hurt and furious. I would have will- 
ingly strangled those 1,024 men. I only said, "Do 
you really need that many?" The Uncle only smiled. 
It was useless to hope that I could conceal my 
thoughts. So I added pitifully, "One must believe 
that they did not accomplish much good work, if 
you continue to recruit more of them." 

But he would not satisfy my curiosity. I wished 
at least to learn if I could come into contact with 
some of them. But the Uncle assured me that I 
would never know even one of them. I did not 
understand. I felt disconcerted. "How," I told him, 
"can we accomplish good work if we are dispersed 



Misfortune Does Fortify Human Beings 15 

and deprived of coordination and competition?" "As 
for coordination," he replied, "do not worry, we have 
seen to that, but only those who hold rank know 
how it functions. As for competition, we rely on 
the love of the Party." 

I had nothing more to answer. Could I say that 
the Party would not realize anything worthwhile 
in atheism until I became head of that service? I 
was so firmly convinced that it was so that I 
relegated my 1,024 predecessors to the category of 
absent ticket-holders. 



How Pride Is Exalted 

As A Dominant And 

Superb Quality 

After this memorable evening, the Uncle invited 
me to learn of some secret and really thrilling papers. 
Although these memoirs will never be published, 
I wish to remain prudent, so I will not speak of 
these papers. I know some people who would give 
a fortune, even today, to be able to photograph them. 
It makes me laugh, because it would only suffice 
to invent a machine that could read my memory. 
During that same week, I learned a certain num- 
ber of useful addresses and telephone numbers in 
different countries. 

All these precautions meant that war was close 
at hand. I felt an impatient desire to leave Europe, 
because the welfare of humanity would have been 
endangered by my death or even only by the degra- 
dation brought about by an extended military 
service. 

16 



Pride Is Exalted 17 

The Uncle made me return to his office to dis- 
cuss international politics, but I was not deeply 
interested in that science. The Uncle blamed me 
for this, specifying that atheism was only a branch 
of politics. In my inner self, I thought that atheism 
was the most important. And the Uncle, who seemed 
to hear my thoughts, added, "You are right to con- 
sider atheism as primordial, as fundamental, but 
you still have much to learn in this matter." I agreed 
with the most perfect bad faith. And while keeping 
my impassivity, I added, "Nevertheless, I have a 
special idea on the general direction to be given 
to the fight that we are to undertake." 

A flash of amusement passed on the Uncle's 
face. I believe that it was because he really loved 
me. I stared at him with a bit of defiance. He said 
to me, "Speak, but be brief." What more did I want? 
I therefore said very quietly, "Instead of fighting 
religious sentiment, we ought to prompt it in a Uto- 
pian direction." He kept silent; he was digesting 
my idea. "Good," he said, "give me an example." 

I held the long end of the stick. 

In fact, it seemed to me that the whole world 
was in my hands at that moment. I calmly explained: 
"You must drive into the head of men, and particu- 
larly into the head of Churchmen, to search for, 
at any price, a universal religion into which all 
churches would be melded together. So that this 
idea could take form and life, we must inculcate 



18 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

in pious people, especially Roman Catholics, a feel- 
ing of guilt concerning the unique truth in which 
they pretend to live." "Are you not yourself Utopian 
in the second part of your proposition?" "No, no, 
not at all," I replied vividly. I was Catholic, and 
very Catholic, I mean, very pious and zealous until 
my fourteenth year, and I believe it to be rather 
easy to show Catholics that there are other holy 
persons among the Protestants, the Moslems and 
the Jews, etc., etc.... "Let us admit this," he 
answered me, "but then what sentiment will the 
other religions have?" "It will vary," said I, "and 
I still must study this aspect of the problem; but 
for me, it is essential to strike deeply and definitely 
at the Catholic Church. It is the most dangerous 
one." "And how would you see this Universal Church 
to which you would like to have all churches run?" 
"I see it very simple," said I, "it could not be other- 
wise but simple. So that all men could enter it, 
it could retain a vague idea of a God, more or less 
Creator, more or less Good, according to the times. 
Moreover, this God will be useful only in periods 
of calamity. Then the ancestral fear will fill these 
temples, but in other times, they will be rather 
empty." The Uncle thought it over a good while, 
then he said to me, "I fear that the Catholic clergy 
will quickly notice the danger and be hostile to 
your plan" I replied sharply, "This is what has 
happened until now. My idea was launched by non- 
Catholics, and the Catholic Church has always 
closed its door to such a program. It is precisely 
why I wanted to study the way to make it change 



Pride Is Exalted 19 

its mind. I know that this will not be easy, that 
we will have to work hard at it, during twenty or 
even fifty years, but how we should succeed in the 
end." "By what means?" "By numerous and subtle 
means. I look at the Catholic Church as if it were 
a sphere. To destroy it, you must attack it in numer- 
ous small points until it loses all resemblance to 
what it was before. We will have to be very patient. 
I have many ideas that might seem at first sight 
to be petty and childish, but I maintain that the 
entirety of those petty childishnesses will become 
an invisible weapon of great efficacy" "Well," the 
Uncle told me, "you will have to prepare me a short 
plan of your project." Slowly, I picked up my port- 
folio, took out an envelope which contained the pre- 
cious work of the development of my ideas. I laid 
this document on his desk with invisible satisfac- 
tion. The Uncle started at once to read it, some- 
thing I never dared to hope. This proved to me 
that he was laying great hopes in me. How he had 
reason to do so, the dear old man! 

After his reading it, which took him more time 
than necessary, the Uncle looked at me and said: 
"I will have this work examined by my counselors. 
You will return for an answer in eight days, at this 
same hour. Meanwhile, prepare your departure for 
Poland. Take this," he told me, extending to me an 
envelope that was generously filled with roubles, 
more than I had ever possessed. 

I took in plenty of theaters and movies and 



20 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

bought a large number of books. I did not know 
how to ship them, but I thought that the Uncle 
could see to that by some kind of diplomatic ship- 
ping container. 

I lived these eight days in such a state of exal- 
tation that I could no more feel my body and could 
scarcely sleep. 

To me the question came up (and it was the 
first time) to decide whether I should try to meet 
a woman. But in the state of mental excitement 
that I found myself in, I thought that it was not 
worthwhile. I even feared that such a lowly animal 
action might bring bad luck to my project, actually 
being studied by the highest authorities of the ser- 
vice. Was it not important, before all else, that I 
should, then and there, jump over many ranks and 
go ahead of the largest number possible of the 1,024 
predecessors of mine, who could not surely be so 
worthy as I was? 

One night, I tried to intoxicate myself to find 
out if my brains would receive a useful impulse 
from it. But nothing came out of it, and I can affirm 
that alcohol is more harmful than religion — and that 
is saying a lot. 

When the time came to present myself again 
at the Uncle's office, my heart was beating a little 
more quickly than normal, but it was not disagree- 
able. The important thing was that no one would 



Pride Is Exalted 21 

notice it. 

The Uncle looked at me a long time, then told 
me with a half-smile that his chief wanted to become 
acquainted with me. 

As it was certain that such a high official would 
not put himself out just to let me know his dis- 
pleasure, I was not at all impressed by this convo- 
cation. But, on the other hand, I was horrified by 
the exterior aspect of this famous "chief" 

Horrified is the correct word to use and, thirty 
years later, I only have to close my eyes to see him 
again and to feel his presence. 

He has such a "presence" that all the others 
seemed to be only puppets. 

I still hate that feeling, but I must add that 
this "presence" of his was that of a monster. How 
can one accumulate, in one and the same person, 
brutality, coarseness, ruse, sadism, vulgarity? This 
man must surely be one of those who visit prisons 
in order to delight themselves in tortures. But, I 
have a deep disgust for cruelty, which is, I am sure, 
a sign of weakness. And as I despise all kinds of 
weaknesses, how could I ever accept the Uncle's 
showing himself so servile in the presence of the 
brute who received us. The brute acted like all 
chiefs; he began by looking fixedly into my eyes 
to see. To see what? With me, there is nothing to 



22 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

see. "There will never be anything to see, Comrade," 
thought I with satisfaction. 

Then the Chief asked me what I cared for the 
most. It was easy for me to say: "The triumph of 
the Party," whereas the truth held more subtlety. 
Did the chief have none? It was unthinkable. Then 
he added in a slightly neglected tone: "From now 
on, you are on the list of our active secret agents. 
You will give orders every week. I rely on your zeal. 
I readily admit that it will take a long time to destroy 
all religions from within; nevertheless, it is neces- 
sary that the orders which you will give find an 
echo, notably among writers, journalists and even 
theologians. It is to be understood that we have 
a team who watches the religious writings of the 
whole world and gives its advice on the usefulness 
of directives given by such or such an agent. There- 
fore, do your best to please. I have high hopes, 
because it seems to me that you have already under- 
stood it all by yourself." 

The brute was not an idiot. He would hear 
about my work; of this I was sure. 

I know too well the vulnerability of Christians 
to doubt of my future success. I believe that this 
vulnerability can be entitled "Charity." 

At the mention of this sacro-sanct word char- 
ity, we can inoculate them with any kind of remorse. 
And remorse is alwavs a state of lowered resistance. 



Pride Is Exalted 23 

It is at the same time medical and mathemati- 
cal, which, even though they do not go together, 
nevertheless I marry those two elements. 

I saluted the Chief in a dignified manner and 
thanked him coldly. I did not wish him to imagine 
that he had impressed me. 

I was again alone with the Uncle. 

I refrained from making the least comment on 
this so very famous chief. 

Rather, I congratulated myself that this per- 
sonage was so unpleasant, because I was cured in 
advance of all timidity toward the great of this world. 
And I always came to the same conclusion, that 
all in all, I was the greatest! 



How The Art Of Playing 

The Comedy Of Modesty Meets With 

A Perfectly Humble Obstacle 

I left for Poland, trying to convince myself that 
my power of dissimulation meant that I had certain 
gifts as an actor. 

At twenty-one years old, after six years of soli- 
tude as a poor and ambitious student, I had to 
become again a loving, obliging, obedient and pious 
young man — more than pious, simply dying to enter 
a seminary. A nice act for my debut. 

I thought that I could easily deceive my so- 
called mother, but what about the doctor? I really 
feared his diagnosis. That man was probably the 
only one whom I feared in my life. Nevertheless, 
I must at all cost, at any price whatsoever, fool him 
too. Not that I could not enter a seminary without 
his help, but to prove my strength, I must never 
be suspected. 

24 



Comedy Meets with Obstacle 25 

The doctor was for me a test of my own worth. 

I rang the "home" bell at about six o'clock p.m., 
so as to be a short hour with her, before his return. 

It was she who opened the door to me. 

She had aged very much and had no make-up 
on her face. She seemed ill. She began to tremble, 
then started to cry. Women are really where they 
belong when they are in harems, where men visit 
them only in case of absolute necessity. 

I asked her forgiveness for my long silence, hop- 
ing that this question of repentance would be quickly 
settled and forgotten before the doctor came in. 

I had no idea of manifesting male repentance 
in the presence of a true male. With her, I knew 
that we would quickly come to the joy of meeting 
again and to plans for the future. As she could not 
have a greater desire than of wanting me to become 
a Catholic priest, I told her at once of my compel- 
ling vocation. 

The poor, stupid woman was so happy that I 
could have made her believe anything. She wanted 
to know how the idea of this beloved vocation had 
come to me. 

I had vaguely thought of various explanations, 
but I rejected preparing such a scene in advance. 



26 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Generally, what is premeditated does not sound 
so well as what is invented on the spot. I made 
up a story of an apparition quite proper to win her. 
I knew that the doctor was suspicious of such things. 
But she had a weakness for the mysterious. Thus, 
I was sure to divide them and strengthen my posi- 
tion. While they discussed me, they would leave 
me alone. 

I therefore told her a story of a heavenly appa- 
rition, being careful to stamp in my memory all 
its details, so as never to contradict myself. 

I thought that it was ironic to pretend that I 
had had a visit from St. Anthony of Padua. Could 
not the Patron Saint of Lost Objects also look after 
lost children? 

This Saint is so popular that you can impute 
to him any miracle whatsoever; pious people will 
always fall for it. Therefore, St. Anthony of Padua 
visited me, evidently, with the little Child Jesus in 
his arms. 

While I was at it, I might as well make of it 
a beautiful devotional picture. As we were "float- 
ing" in the most syrupy piety, the Doctor entered. 
I was relieved to see a reasonable being come in. 
But I saw at once that he did not believe me. Thus, 
the game would be a hard one to win, but there- 
fore more amusing. It was up to me to convince 
my foster father. I had to bring him at least to pre- 



Comedy Meets with Obstacle 27 

tend that he believed me. But this first evening was 
rather distressing. The doctor is one of the rare 
men, really intelligent, whom I have met. The 
' game" was all the more pleasing. 

The following day, I asked them to meet the 
bishop. My foster mother knew him since child- 
hood. He received me nicely, but without 
enthusiasm. He must be one of those Catholics who 
think that it is better not to excite a vocation, but 
on the contrary, to oppose it. A real vocation must 
triumph over all obstacles. 

Happily, I knew well this state of mind, and 
I was not vexed by it. But I acknowledge that such 
an attitude can cause confusion in someone who 
has no vocation. As for me, I knew how to remain 
Christianly humble, and it seemed impossible that 
the bishop should be displeased with me. 

Nevertheless, he requested that I present myself 
to the pastor of my parish and also to a religious 
noted for having the gift of mind-reading. This gib- 
berish simply meant that this good man was capa- 
ble of detecting false vocations from the simply 
imaginary to the frankly perverse. 

I first went to see my pastor, a brave and very 
simple man. He was hoping to see a vocation blos- 
som in his parish, and he would have given me all 
that he possessed, that is, almost anything to 
announce this happy news. 



28 A A 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

In order that my holy enthusiasm would be 
of some benefit to me in the doctor's mind, I asked 
my foster mother to invite this clergyman to din- 
ner. It was delightful, because this man had the 
soul of a child and, in the presence of this rare 
phenomenon, but deeply appreciated in a trial of 
canonization, the doctor felt ill. How can an honest 
Christian resist Saints? 

I was therefore much comforted when I went 
to meet the religious whose perspicacity was so 
highly praised. 

At first sight, this man seemed to me hard to 
bear, on account of his slowness and the frequent 
silences that he seemed to affect. 

Nevertheless, I could bring out all the cliches 
apt to describe a true priestly vocation. I laughed 
in my inner self, because, of course, how could this 
man imagine that my secret thoughts could be re- 
vealed to him? And how could he know that I had 
secret thoughts? Our interview was lengthy, but I 
at last took a liking to it. I spoke with facility and 
listened to myself with satisfaction. 

Of course, I manifested the most exquisite mod- 
esty. It is indeed a self-styled virtue very easy to 
imitate. It is even a very amusing game. And I was 
an ace at modesty, as well as of many other acts. 

I dared not speak of my supposed apparition 



Comedy Meets with Obstacle 29 

of St. Anthony of Padua. Thus, in case my mother 
had revealed this fact to him, he would be edified 
to see that I kept silence about it. 

Nevertheless, I was proud to let him know that 
I never had any connection with a woman and that 
I was altogether disinterested in that sex, only good 
for procreation. 

I thought that this ought to be a certain sign 
of a vocation. 

I thought that I could use the word vocation 
to express the trade that I had chosen in the ranks 
of the Party and that my indifference toward women 
became a kind of predestination. An Apostle, or 
Anti-Apostle, must marry only his Apostolate. 

I was therefore very eloquent each time that 
the word apostolate would return to our 
conversation. 

It must have seemed evident that I would 
become a very zealous priest. This religious tried 
to lay me many traps, notably to bring me to lie. 
Childish business! An intelligent man knows that 
lying must not be used, or very rarely And even 
when I felt obliged to tell lies, I have too much 
memory to contradict myself by revealing the truth. 
No, a good lie must simply become a truth for him 
who creates it, and also for all his listeners. 



30 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

This religious wanted to know why I had left 
my adoptive parents for six years without news. 

Then, I became moved. It was easy to review 
the past and live again the vague pain that had 
prompted me to leave for Russia. But, justifiably, 
this prudent man seemed to fear that I had become 
a Communist. I told him that I was not interested 
in politics. As for my six years of silence, I was sim- 
ply not able to explain them. 

I believe it to be a good thing to appear some- 
times as a feeble and vulnerable man. The people 
in command are then very happy to protect you. 

I even insisted, saying that this silence would 
be the remorse of my whole life, letting him under- 
stand that my mother felt rewarded for it by my 
priestly vocation. 

Thus, the old man would not want to hurt my 
mother's feelings by taking away from her the only 
joy of her old age. Obviously, I did not use such 
imprudent words, but only hoped inwardly that it 
would be so. 

As our conversation went on, it became more 
and more cordial. I was very satisfied and we parted 
as friends. 

Many days went by without news, as if the 
Church were not in a hurry to have one more 



Comedy Meets with Obstacle 31 



seminarian. 



On my part, I worked with ardor on the next 
directives which would reach the whole world, by 
way of Russia. 

When at last I was called to the bishop's house, 
the earth seemed to open up in front of me, because 
the bishop quietly told me that the religious thought 
that I did not have a vocation. 



How An Ambitious 

Anti-Christian Program 

Leads First To Assassination 

My mother fell sick and was put under obser- 
vation at the hospital. My father, by a strange reac- 
tion of pity, I suppose, played the whole scale of 
kindness with me. I responded with great dignity. 
He asked me what I intended to do. I answered 
him that I would not quit, but that I would study 
medicine, if the Church really did not want me — it 
was a little expose on the welfare of bodies which 
favors the good of the soul. But enough of self-praise. 

Of course, I had sent an urgent telegram to 
the Uncle. Through the priest who acted as my mail 
box, the answer came rapidly It was short and it 
only half surprised me. It read: "Suppress the 
obstacle." 

Of course, I had received a special training 
reserved to secret agents. 

32 



An Ambitious Anti-Christian Program 33 

I knew as well how to attack as how to defend 
myself. On this occasion, I debated a long time with 
myself in order to know whether I should simulate 
an accident or rather heart failure. In short, should 
I sow worry, or simply give proof of my docility 

I thought it best to perform this liquidation 
outside the convent. Consequently, I prayed my cor- 
respondent to invite this religious to his house, under 
any pretext. Happily, these two men knew each 
other. 

I was not lying when I asserted that I wanted 
to know what had prompted this religious to refuse 
me the signs of a true vocation. This was important 
for me, because I could learn how to perfect my 
little religious act. Moreover, I was terribly vexed 
by this setback. And I still hoped to bring this reli- 
gious to reverse his decision. 

While waiting for this second interview, I 
worked carefully at my real task. 

I wrote the following: "It is very important that 
Christians become conscious of the scandal that 
is caused by the division of the Church. For, there 
are three kinds of Christianity: the Catholic, a num- 
ber of Orthodox and some three hundred Protes- 
tant sects." 

To emphasize the last prayer of Jesus of 
Nazareth, a prayer that was never heard: "Be ONE,) 



34 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

as my Father and I are ONE." To cultivate a grow- 
ing remorse in this regard, particularly among 
Catholics. 

To stress that Catholics are responsible for the 
division among Christians, because, by their refusal 
to compromise, they caused schisms and heresies. 
To come to a point that every Catholic will feel 
so guilty that he will wish to atone at any price. 
To suggest to him that he must himself endeavor 
to find all the means capable of bringing Catholics 
closer to Protestants (and also to others) without 
harming the Credo. To keep only the Credo. And 
again . . .attention: The Credo must undergo a very 
slight modification. The Catholics say, "I believe 
in the Catholic Church." The Protestants say, "I 
believe in the Universal Church." It is the same 
thing. The word Catholic means "universal." 

At least, it was so at the origin of the Church. 
But in the course of ages, the word "Catholic" took 
a deeper meaning. It has become almost a magic 
word. And I say that we must suppress it from the 
Credo, for the best interests of all, that is, the union 
with Protestants. 

Moreover, it will be necessary that each Cath- 
olic endeavor to find out what would please Pro- 
testants, since faith and the Credo are not at stake, 
and never will be. 

Always drive minds toward a greater charity, 



An Ambitious Anti-Christian Program 35 

a larger fraternity. Never talk about God, but about 
the greatness of man. Bit by bit, transform the lan- 
guage and the attitude of mind. Man must occupy 
the first place. Cultivate confidence in man, who 
will prove his own greatness by founding the Univer- 
sal Church in which all good wills shall melt 
together. To bring it out that the good will of man, 
his sincerity, his dignity, are worth more than an 
always invisible God. To show that the luxury and 
art found in Catholic and Orthodox Churches are 
intensely disliked by Protestants, Jews and Moslems. 
To suggest that this useless show must be suppressed 
for a greater welfare. To excite an iconoclastic zeal. 
Youngsters must destroy all this hodgepodge: statues, 
pictures, reliquaries, priestly ornaments, organs, can- 
dles and votive lamps, stained glass, and cathedrals, 
etc., etc. . . 

It would do some good that a prophecy be sent 
throughout the world that would be the following: 
"Someday, you will see married priests and Mass 
said in vernacular tongues." I remember with joy 
that I was the first one to say these things in 1938. 
That same year, I urged women to ask for the priest- 
hood. And I advocated a Mass, not a parish Mass, 
but a family Mass that would be said at home, by 
the father and mother, before each meal. 

Ideas crowded into my head, each one more 
exciting than the one before it. 

As I was finishing transcribing into code this 



36 A A 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

entire program, my friend informed me that the 
religious was to visit him the next day. 

I had decided my line of conduct, and I thought 
of trying to bring this quite simple and not very 
cultivated man to change his verdict. 

He did not seem surprised to see me arrive. 
My friend had tried to make him talk about me, 
but to no avail, so he gave the conventional sign 
agreed upon. 

I was not discouraged, but I attacked with mild- 
ness this certainly honest man. I pointed out to 
him that he was almost committing a murder by 
refusing me the priesthood. And I insisted on know- 
ing the motives of his attitude. But he answered 
me that he had no motives, that the Lord enlight- 
ened him on souls and that mine was not worthy 
to enter the priesthood. I acknowledge that I 
became nervous. This was not an answer. But I 
finally believed that he did not lie. 

In truth, he had no precise motive to reject 
me totally, except a sort of intuition, all that is of 
very little scientific nature. The worst was that he 
did not seem at all conscious of the unwarranted 
nature of his actions. He seemed to operate com- 
pletely by magic. 

I informed him that I had decided to present 
myself somewhere else. He answered me, with an 



An Ambitious Anti-Christian Program 37 

angelical smile, that I was wrong in persisting. 

I told him that I could even take away his life, 
if I could by that gesture succeed in entering the 
seminary. He answered that he knew it. Then and 
there, I was truly stupefied. And we remained silent 
a long while, looking at each other. And again he 
spoke, saying, "You do not know what you are doing." 
I admit that, at that moment, I would have liked 
to run away to the end of the world. That man pos- 
sesed a power that I could not explain to myself. 

But my friend made me a sign. He felt that 
I was weakening. And I knew that it would be the 
end for me if I disobeyed the orders of the Uncle. 

I must myself make this obstacle disappear. My 
worth, although visible, must be confirmed by this 
gesture of obedience and courage. 

Then I got up and caused death without 
wounds. Men of my worth have all the chance of 
undergoing a special training, whose precious secrets 
come from Japan. 

At that time, few persons in the Occident were 
aware of being very ignorant of all the extraordi- 
nary possibilities which the human body offers for 
defense as well as for attack, even for murder, with 
bare hands. Although a Russian, I readily admit that 
in this matter (and maybe in others) the Japanese 
are experts. I do not believe that, at the time of 



38 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

my studies, many European, or even American coun- 
tries taught really esthetic and at the same time 
efficacious methods of fighting with or without 
death, but always with the bare hands. 

I was proud to be one of the first devotees 
of these martial arts, all the more so because they 
correspond — for the Russian that I am — to a national 
worship of the dance. They have allowed me, on 
many occasions, to defend myself without acting 
like a sluggish and prehistoric animal. 

Having caused, in two swift gestures (but 
requiring a long training) the death without wound 
of the one who had the almost comical audacity 
to oppose himself to Marxism-Leninism (in other 
words, to the future), I quietly returned home. The 
death would naturally be published. Cause: heart 
failure. 

The next day, my body was covered with pim- 
ples, I was furious, because it was a sign of weak- 
ness, a sign that my liver could not support such 
tension. I was stupid. But I congratulated myself 
because my father thought that I was really suffer- 
ing on account of not entering the seminary, and 
he took pains to go plead my cause with the 
bishop — with success! 



6 



How The Anti-Apostle Effectively 

Begins His Work And Feels A 

Very Special Hatred For The Cassock 

I therefore prepared myself openly to enter the 
seminary. 

And my mother, who was cured, made some 
ill-considered purchases for me, when the bomb 
exploded in the form of a telegram calling me to 
Rome and mentioning, "For a new assignment." I 
made believe that I did not understand. My mother 
again started to cry, and I heaved a sigh of relief 
when I left the country of my childhood days. I 
hoped never to return. 

In Rome, I had very interesting conversations 
with a professor who would be mine when I would 
have received the priesthood. He was a member 
of our network. He was very optimistic. He had 
specialized in Holy Scripture and was working at 
a new translation of the Bible in English. The most 
astounding thing was that he had chosen a Lutheran 

39 



40 AA 1025— Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

pastor as his only collaborator. The said pastor, 
besides, was no longer in agreement with his own 
church, which seemed old-fashioned to him. 

This collaboration, of course, remained secret. 
The aim of these two men was to rid humanity of 
all the systems which it had given itself through 
the Bible, and especially the New Testament. Thus, 
the virginity of Mary the Real Presence of Christ 
in the Eucharist and His Resurrection, according 
to them, were to be set aside, in order to end up 
with a complete suppression. The dignity of modern 
man, in their eyes, was worth such a price. 

The professor also taught me a reasonable way 
to say Mass, since in six years I would be obliged 
to say it. 

While waiting for a profound modification of 
the whole ceremony, he never pronounced the words 
of the Consecration. But so as not to be suspected, 
he pronounced words almost similar, at least accord- 
ing to the ending of the words. He advised me to 
do the same. All that made this ceremony look like 
a sacrifice should, little by little, be suppressed. The 
whole ceremony should represent only a common 
meal, as among Protestants. 

He even assured me that it should never have 
been otherwise. He also worked at the elaboration 
of a new Ordinary of the Mass and advised me also 
to do the same, because it appeared to him to be 



The Anti-Apostle Begins His Work 41 

altogether desirable to present to people a large 
number of diversified Masses. There must be some, 
very short, for families and small groups, some longer 
ones, for Feast Days, although, according to him, 
the real feast for the working classes is a walk in 
Nature. He thought that we could easily arrive at 
a point of considering Sunday as a day consecrated 
to Nature. 

He told me that his work did not leave him 
enough time to ponder over Jewish, Moslem, Orien- 
tal and other religions, but that such a work was 
of great importance, maybe more important than 
his new translation of the Bible. He advised me 
to search vigorously in all non-Christian religions 
for what exalted man the most and to promote it. 

I tried to bring him to talk about the other 
priests and seminarians who were affiliated with 
the Party like myself, but he pretended to know 
practically nothing about them. 

Nevertheless, he gave me the address of a 
Frenchman, a professor of singing, who resided in 
the city where I would go for six years to study 
profoundly tedious subjects. He assured me that 
I could have full confidence in this man, that he 
would render me the most thoughtful services, as 
for example, allowing me to keep my lay clothes 
in his house, under condition that I pay him well. 

Of course, he also made me go around Rome 



42 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

and taught me all kinds of legends on the Saints 
who are the most revered in this city. There was 
enough reason to have them all erased from the 
calendar, which was also one of our objectives. But 
both of us knew that it would take more time to 
kill all the Saints than it would to kill God. 

One day, while we were resting on the terrace 
of a cafe, he said to me: "Imagine this city without 
a single cassock, without a single religious costume, 
masculine or feminine. What emptiness! What mar- 
velous emptiness! It is in Rome that I grasp the 
enormous importance of the cassock. And I swore 
to myself that it would disappear from our streets 
and even our churches, because one can easily say 
Mass in just his coat." 

This little game, which consists in imagining 
our streets without cassocks, became a kind of reflex 
action for me. I gained from it an ever-growing 
hatred for this piece of black rag. 

It seemed to me that the cassock spoke a mute 
but oh so eloquent language! All the cassocks were 
saying, to believers as well as to indifferent people, 
that the man thus veiled had given himself to an 
invisible God whom he pretended was all-powerful. 

When I was myself obliged to put on this ridic- 
ulous robe, I promised myself two things: first, to 
understand why and how priestly vocations came 
to young boys, and secondly, to inculcate in all those 



The Anti-Apostle Begins His Work 43 

who wore it the pious desire to take it off, in order 
better to influence the indifferent and our enemies. 

I had promised myself to give this purpose all 
the appearances of great zeal. For me this is rela- 
tively easy. I had more difficulty in understanding 
the birth of a vocation in young boys. This birth 
was so simple that I could hardly believe it to be 
true. But, it does seem true that when young boys, 
between 4 and 10 years old, know a sympathetic 
priest, they have a desire to imitate him. And then 
and there I understood my hatred for the cassock — 
because those young boys would not have felt the 
real or imaginary power of the priest if he did not 
signalize himself by a life different from that of 
others. 

The costume was one of these differences, and 
we can even say that the costume forever proclaimed 
all the doctrine of the man who wore it. 

The cassock was for me like a marriage between 
God, described as all-powerful, and these men, 
manifesting at their every step their gift and 
separation. 

The more I considered these things, the more 
I became angry. But I was also very grateful to life 
for having me live my childhood and even my adoles- 
cence in a very Catholic family, because I do believe 
that the worth of my Anti-Apostolate came from 
that fact. I knew that, on account of past 



44 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

experiences. I would be the best of agents, and con- 
sequently I was destined to become the grand chief 
of this profitable work. And I felt entitled to rejoice 
in advance because young boys, when they would 
meet priests living like all other people, would no 
longer desire to imitate them. They would also have 
to look at 'everybody" and that would lead pretty 
far. The choice of truly imitable men would then 
be so great! 

Besides, these new priests belonging to a 
church widely opened to all would not resemble 
one another. They would not have the same teach- 
ing at all. As they could not get along together, at 
least on theological grounds, each one would only 
have a few followers. And since they would fear the 
colleague living in the neighboring ward ... in short, 
they could only agree on philanthropic questions. 
And God would be dead, that's all. But, after all, 
this is not something difficult, and I ask myself why 
nobody has as yet thought out this method. It is 
true that some centuries are more favorable than 
others for the blooming of certain flowers. 

The beginning of my seminary life was a most 
happy one. My condition of an only and very 
cherished child of a rich family, who preferred sepa- 
ration to war, made of me an interesting subject. 
Everyone wished to show sympathy to the coura- 
geous young Polish man. The glory of God was more 
worthy to me than that of my country, they would 
say. What holiness! With modesty, I let them speak. 



The Anti-Apostle Begins His Work 45 

I had promised myself to be the first in every- 
thing, and it was so; my knowledge of living lan- 
guages was really prodigious. This is, after all, 
common to Orientals. I worked with stubbornness 
on Latin and Greek. I was also authorized to follow 
special lessons in singing with my French friend. 
This seminary was not strict at all. The formation 
of character was not stressed as much as in Europe. 
I was also outstanding in competitive sports, but 
did not show my special knowledge of hand-to-hand 
fighting, a knowledge that came directly from Japan. 

In short, all was going so well that I felt lone- 
some and was looking for some feat that would bring 
sparkle into my life. 

I found nothing better than to confess myself 
to one of my professors who seemed the most 
attracted to me personally. 



7 

How The Hero Tries 

To Test The Secret 

Of Confession 

Therefore I confessed myself to a noble old 
man, the one we called, with true fondness, "Blue 
Eyes." Even I would sometimes fall under the spell 
of his childlike look. That is why I chose him for 
this experiment. 

As for myself, I wanted to find out how he 
would act to keep the secret of Confession and, 
at the same time, to make use of it to have me 
dismissed. I did not think that it could be danger- 
ous for me, because I could always deny everything. 
Moreover, I was the first in all things and therefore 
I was in very good standing. I was visibly the most 
intelligent of the whole crowd. 

So I begged "Blue Eyes" to hear my confes- 
sion and I related everything to him, at least the 
essentials, that I was a Communist, attached to the 
secret service section of militant atheism, that I 

46 



The Hew Tries To Test Confession 47 

had murdered a Polish religious who pretended that 
I had no vocation to the priesthood. 

Strangely enough, "Blue Eyes" believed me at 
once. I could have invented the whole story. He 
had the trite reaction of speaking to me about my 
eternal salvation. 

I almost broke out into laughter. Did he imagine 
that I had the least atom of faith? 

I was obliged to explain clearly to him that 
I neither believed in God nor in the devil. Such 
a confession was probably something new to him. 
I almost pitied him. 

He therefore said to me: "What do you expect 
to gain by entering Holy Orders?" 

It was in all frankness that I clarified my inten- 
tions: "To destroy the Church from within." "You 
are quite conceited," he answered me. 

I was almost becoming angry, and I was glad 
to reveal that we were already more than one thou- 
sand seminarians and priests. He answered me: "I 
do not believe you." "As you like, but my number 
is 1025 and, even supposing that some are dead, 
I can still say that we number about one thousand." 

There was a long silence and he asked me dryly: 
"What do you want of me?" 



48 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

It was difficult for me to answer that I had 
only wanted to amuse myself at finding how he 
would act with the secret of Confession. So I only 
said: "I suppose that you will try to have me dis- 
missed?" "Dismiss you! Are you not the most bril- 
liant of our students and one of the most pious?" 
It was I who no longer knew what to answer. 
Nevertheless, I told him: "Does my confession not 
enlighten you as to my true character?" He said 
to me: "Confession was instituted by Our Lord Jesus 
Christ for the welfare of souls; your confession is 
therefore useless." "Not even to understand me bet- 
ter?" "Not even for that, because when you will 
have left this place, I will have completely forgot- 
ten." "Really?" "You know that very well, since you 
are studying with us." "I know it theoretically, but 
how could I know it practically?" "So," he answered 
me, "here is the real aim of this unbelievable con- 
fession?" "Maybe." "If you have another aim, you 
had better tell me." "No," I replied to him gently, 
"I just wanted to study you, that is all." 

He seemed to ponder; then he said to me: "It 
is a useless undertaking; nothing will come of it." 
"Nothing at all . . . really?" "Nothing at all, you know 
it." And he went away, leaving me crestfallen. 

The next day, a classmate who thought him- 
self a friend of mine because he liked me, told me 
in low tones: " 'Blue Eyes' prayed all night in the 
chapel." I watched the old professor; he did not 
seem to be one who had had a sleepless night. But, 



The Hero Tries To Test Confession 49 

while he was droning his course, I was meditating 
upon that night which maybe might have been an 
imitation of the Agony in the Garden of Olives. 

"Blue Eyes" must have prayed that this chal- 
ice would pass away from him. But it was in no 
one's power to get rid of this confession. 

It seemed to me almost impossible for him to 
forget it. In his prayer he must have asked that I 
repent or leave. Did he not try also to find out how 
he could provoke my departure? And each time that 
this idea came back to his mind, he must have cried 
interiorly: "But no, since I know nothing." 

What could he say against me that did not per- 
tain to this confession? Simply nothing; I would not 
have confessed myself if I had not been the picture 
of a perfect seminarian. 

Did not the poor old man know that a Com- 
munist is ready to make all sacrifices? \11 those 
people believe that only Christians perform 
sacrifices. 

During the following days I observed "Blue 
Eyes" attentively, and I always found him to be him- 
self as usual. He was just as calm, as gentle, as "blue," 
I should say. 

Actually, I had a liking for him, and I almost 
accused myself of it when I wrote to the Uncle. 



50 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

But I decided not to relate anything about this con- 
fession story; over there, they might not have 
understood. 

Many months afterwards, I was seized again 
with the desire of confessing myself to other profes- 
sors. Actually, I was keenly annoyed by the monot- 
ony of my life and by the fact that I seemed to 
please everybody A little fight would have done 
me good. I therefore confessed myself successively 
to all the professors; then I amused myself, imagin- 
ing them turning this horrible secret in their minds. 
But I could never understand how they could bear 
the burden of my presence among them and of the 
vision of all the wrong that I could do. 

Nevertheless, on some days I was delightfully 
worried. I needed this stimulant. I imagined that 
they would find some way to prevent me from receiv- 
ing Holy Orders. Then, I redoubled my zeal. My 
sermons were models, little masterpieces. 

I had all the more merit because I had to main- 
tain in addition the good progress of our anti- 
religious action in the whole world. 

Happily, the Uncle had understood that he 
should not require me to code my work. I only 
had to furnish one project a week. I overflowed 
with ideas and this work did not bore me; on the 
contrary, it w r as my pleasure and my support. 



The Hero Tries To Test Confession 51 

About the time I was playing with Confes- 
sion, I was particularly sensitive to one point of 
doctrine, I mean to say, "the holy virtue of obe- 
dience^ (as they say). This obedience especially 
concerns the Pope. I turned this problem over 
at every angle without being able to understand it. 

I was therefore obliged to ask our services to 
see to it that the confidence shown to the Pope 
by Catholics be ridiculed discreetly on every possi- 
ble occasion. I was not unaware that I was asking 
in this something very difficult. But, all in all, it 
seemed essential to me to incite Catholics to criti- 
cize the Pope. 

Someone was charged to watch attentively all 
the Vatican writings in order to detect even very 
small details capable of displeasing one category 
or other of individuals. The quality of those who 
criticize the Pope does not matter; the only impor- 
tant thing is that he be criticized. The ideal thing, 
of course, would be that he displeased everybody, 
that is, reactionaries as well as Modernists. 

As to the virtue of obedience, it is one of the 
principal conventions of this Church. 

I thought of weakening it by cultivating 
remorse. Let everyone imagine himself to be respon- 
sible for the actual division of Christianity. Let each 
Catholic make his "Mea culpa," and try to find out 
how he could erase four centuries of contempt 



52 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

toward the Protestant sects. 

I could help this research hy mentioning all 
that offends Protestants and by suggesting the 
employment of a little more charity toward them. 
Charity has this advantage, that we can have it per- 
form any kind of foolishness. 

At that time, I still feared that my method might 
be discovered and that many could notice in it a 
way of killing God. The subsequent events proved 
that I was wrong to have that fear. Yet, a French 
proverb says that "the best is the enemy of good." 
In this instance, no one ever saw that my fraternal 
love for the Protestants would lead to destroying 
all Christianity. I do not wish to say, on the other 
hand, that Protestants do not have faith (or every 
sort of differing "faith") and that my services are 
not concerned about them. 

But I rouse them by showing them that they 
must not convert to Catholicism, that on the con- 
trary, it belongs to the Roman Church to go toward 
them. Even, at the announcement of the Council 
(the Council that fills me with joy in advance), I 
launched a message to all the world which made 
it gape; it contained an order and a prophecy. First, 
the prophecy: God Himself, by a great miracle, a 
miracle altogether spectacular (people revere this) 
would accomplish the unity of Christians. It is why 
men should not meddle with it otherwise than by 
a great openness, a very charitable openness. In 



The Hero Tries To Test Confession 53 

other words, Catholics must let go some ballast, 
in order to allow God to manifest His great miracle 
in the midst of pure hearts. For Catholics of this 
time, the pure heart must be he who endeavors, 
by any means whatsoever, to please Protestants. 

The order was also very simple: It was abso- 
lutely forbidden for Protestants to convert to Catholi- 
cism. And I had this point very much at heart, 
because conversions had attained an accelerated 
pace. I had it specified everywhere that the great 
miracle could not occur if Catholics kept on accept- 
ing the conversions of Protestants. I let it be known 
clearly that God was to be left free in His 
movements. 

And I was listened to and I was followed. I, 
and not their God, was performing miracles. 

I shudder with joy even to this day This seems 
to me to have been one of my great successes 



8 



How The Ambitious One Who 

Thought Himself Stronger Than All 

Meets "Raven Hair" And Fears 

His First Weakness 

At the end of two years of seminary life, I was 
seriously asking myself if I could keep it up. 

The will that exercises itself alone is not always 
sufficient, and I was very young to feed myself only 
on my hatred. 

Nevertheless, I saw this hatred increase; and 
at first reserved for God, it now extended to all 
of my surroundings. If only they could have guessed 
to what degree I hated them all. Even today, I 
admire myself for having been able to tolerate them. 
Surely, I am and remain a loner. If sociability is 
not indispensable to me, on the other hand, a small 
oasis of human warmth was lacking in my youth. 
In fact, I had only my professor of singing, whom 
I visited every Saturday. On certain matters we 

54 



The Ambitious One 55 

understood each other without having to spell things 
out, tut he never knew the reality of my mission 
in all its extensiveness. 

The marvelous thing about it was that I could 
really relax at his house. Without him, I might not 
have had the strength to resist. 



Happily, this writing will never be published, 
t is not a good example to my comrades. 



for it 



I had also received the order to accept certain 
invitations to worldly affairs. They came to me with- 
out my knowing why and how they reached me. 
I was therefore obliged to obey. I never dared, when 
I wrote to the Uncle, to ask of him the value of 
these deeply frivolous occupations. 

Anyway, he knew my disgust for this kind of 
thing, and he already had told me that it would 
do me some good to know the ways of the world. 
Let us admit that, but I never made any useful dis- 
covery there. 

One evening, I was assisting at a grand recep- 
tion that was particularly brilliant. My gaze fell upon 
the profile of a young girl, and, suddenly, all that 
surrounded her vanished, my own senses included. 

She had a long neck, more slanting than the 
tower of Pisa, a very large and black hairdo that 
I would have liked to dishevel, and a childlike and 



56 A A 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

at the same time wilfull profile. I looked at her 
breathlessly. 

It was as if the two of us were alone, although 
she did not see me. I was yelling at her interiorly 
to turn her head around a little, in order that I 
could steal a look at her, but she did not do so. 
I do not know how long my ecstasy lasted, but I 
was brought back to earth by an unknown young 
man. He had understood all, maybe better than I 
did. He was good-hearted, since he said to me: "Do 
you wish me to introduce you to Miss X?" He knew 
me by name, but mistook me for a university stu- 
dent. In all this social life, no one could recognize 
me as a seminarian. 

A little later, this obliging young man 
introduced me to "Raven Hair." (I will never give 
her another name). 

I had recovered my calm, thanks to a discreet 
breathing exerice. 

Nevertheless, I was now a different man, totally 
different. One hundredth of a second had sufficed. 

During the evening, I did not try to under- 
stand what was happening to me. I was too busy 
enjoying those new feelings. 

I spoke with "Raven Hair" for a few moments, 
moments during which I could not "eat" her all 



The Ambitious One 57 

up, because what was dominating my inner self was 
the desire to take this young girl all for myself and 
to hide her in a small house, far from all, a little 
house in which she would promise to wait for me. 
She had very large dark eyes that looked at you 
with an embarrassing seriousness. 

And when she was invited to dance, I had to 
hold both my hands behind my back in order not 
to kill the one who took her away from me. 

Dancing is a diabolical invention. I do not 
understand how a man can tolerate his wife dancing 
with another man. 

I looked at her waltzing; her dress was mar- 
velous, but my eyes were as if hypnotized by her 
bent neck, which seemed to present itself to the 
axe of an executioner. 

I do not know why this young girl seemed des- 
tined to die a violent death. This feeling increased 
the fury with which I would have liked to snatch 
her away from all those people. 

What was she doing in the midst of all these 
fools? What was her occupation in life? 

I must succeed in getting her to wish nothing 
else but to wait for me. Any means would be good 
to attain this end. She belonged to me, that's all. 



58 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

But she left with an aged couple whom I did 
not know. How could I manage to see her again? 

She did not pay attention to me, only maybe 
at the last second when her look met mine. 

What did this look mean? Can you find out 
how to meet me again?. . .Maybe. . .in any case, 
I did not bother any further about what she could 
think. I had taken the decision of directing her 
thoughts because I considered that she belonged 
to me forever. 

That she would not agree to that would only 
be an amusing challenge. 

I knew her name and nothing else, I entrusted 
my singing professor with the task of finding her. 

This affair seemed to amuse him considerably. 
He even said to me, "So you are becoming more 
human?" I could not understand what he found 
to be inhuman in me, and I was somewhat vexed 
by what he had said. He did not want to explain 
himself. His efforts were lengthy and I had to calm 
myself down by working with a tenfold zeal. 

It was during those days that I launched on 
the market (we could almost say) the program that 
would allow Catholics to be accepted by Protestants. 

Catholics had hoped too much for the return 



The Ambitious One 59 

of Protestantism to the fold of the Mother Church. 
It was time that they should lose their arrogance. 
Charity made it a duty for them. When charity is 
at stake — I pretended, laughing up my sleeve — 
nothing wrong can happen. 

I prophesied with assurance — so that this would 
be repeated in the same tones — the suppression 
of Latin, of priestly vestments, of statues and images, 
of candles and prie-dieu (so that they could kneel 
no more). 

And I also started a very active campaign for 
the suppression of the Sign of the Cross. This Sign 
is practiced only in Roman and Greek Churches. 
It is time that the latter take notice that they offend 
other people, who have as many qualities and as 
much holiness as they have. This Sign, and also 
genuflections, are all ridiculous customs. 

I also prophesied (and we were then in 1940) 
the disappearance of altars, replaced by a completely 
bare table, and also of all the crucifixes, in order 
that Christ be considered as a man, not as a God. 
I insisted that Mass be only a community meal, 
to which all would be invited, even unbelievers. And 
I came to the following prophecy: Baptism for the 
modern man has become ridiculously magical. 
Whether given by immersion or not, Baptism must 
be abandoned in favor of an adult religion. 

I searched for the means of suppressing the 



60 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Pope, but I could not find the possibility of doing so. 

As long as we would not say that the play on 
words of Christ, 'Thou art Peter, and upon this 
rock I will build My Church, and the gates of Hell 
shall not prevail against it," was invented by a zeal- 
ous Roman (but how can we prove that — it is not 
enough that this were possible), a Pope would always 
be in power. 

I consoled myself by hoping that we would 
surely succeed in making him look foolish. 

The important thing was to cry out against him 
every time that he started something new and even 
when he revived old customs too hard to be 
followed. 

Moreover, all that is permitted among Protes- 
tants, even if only in one sect, must be authorized 
among Catholics, that is, the remarriage of divorcees, 
polygamy, contraception and euthanasia. 

The universal Church, having to accept all reli- 
gious and even the unbelieving philosophers, it was 
urgent that Christian churches should give up their 
own proprieties. So I asked them to perform an 
immense cleaning out. 

All that excited heart and mind to worship an 
invisible God must be unmercifully suppressed. 



The Ambitious One 61 

One must not believe that I ignored, as do some 
whom I will not name, the power of gestures and 
of all that speaks to the senses. 

A thoughtful mind would have noticed that I 
was suppressing all that is lovable in a religion which 
is, on the other hand, quite strict. 

To leave them severity was a nice enough trick. 
I would secretly insinuate that this cruel God might, 
after all, be a human invention — a God cruel enough 
to send His only Son to be crucified!!! But I had 
to be careful that my hatred did not appear in my 
writings. 

As I was overjoyed with these orders and 
prophecies, my singing professor had me called on 
the phone. He had found her and was inviting me 
that same evening to a concert where I could see 
her again. 

Happily, I easily got permission to go out. I 
had a very nice voice and churchmen were always 
lenient toward musicians. 

I saw her again — more beautiful than the first 
time — so beautiful, so beautiful — how not to become 
crazy? 

She readily consented to come for a cup of 
tea on the following Saturday at the house of my 
singing professor. 



62 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

I pretended to reside at a University Center. 
My singing professor bore the name of Achille and 
he asked me to call him Uncle Achille. 

I understand that he wished thereby to give 
me the illusion of having a family. But I was not 
very grateful to him for that because his attitude 
revealed to me that he hoped to see me think seri- 
ously of getting married. 

How could he have such absurd thoughts? It 
was a sign that he felt my lack of a priestly voca- 
tion, but had absolutely not guessed the power and 
seriousness of my socialist vocation. 

To think of it, I saw that this incomprehen- 
sion, a sign of my strength of character and of the 
quality of my dissimulation, could only favor my 
designs. To be a really great man, it is very advan- 
tageous to appear to be ordinary and even dumb. 
Those who show off before crowds are not those 
who really pull the strings. 

My "Raven Hair" seemed to enjoy herself at 
Uncle Achilles house. I displayed all the charms 
of my Slav temperament. Nobody had taught me 
that little game, but I found out that it was 
instinctive. 

I must say that I took great pride in it. 

The woman of my dreams wore, on that day, 



The Ambitious One 63 

a very simple blue dress and had around her neck 
just one jewel, a large medal of the Virgin, called 
the Miraculous Medal. 

My eyes kept returning all the time to that 
object and were scorched by it; I would have liked 
to snatch it away from her and to throw it out the 
window. 



9 



How An Anti-religious Zeal 

Would Like to Drag "Raven Hair" 

In Its Wake 

I had to face the truth, I was simply in love 
for the first time; in love like a poor chap whose 
intelligence does not dominate his instincts. I saw 
only one remedy: an always greater zeal for the 
defense and the advancement of the great cause 
of the proletariat. It was at that time that I launched 
the grand campaign of Biblical dialogue. It aimed 
at arousing Catholics to an assiduous and thought- 
ful reading of God's word, insisting fully on the free- 
dom of examination practiced by Protestants for four 
centuries. 

I showed that this liberty had given us many 
generations of truly adult beings and masters of their 
lives. By these very pious means, I excited Catholics, 
therefore, to throw off the yoke of papism and the 
Protestants to become the masters of this new 
generation. 

64 



An Anti-religious Zeal 65 

Although I gave to Protestants the dominating 
position, I also weakened them, without giving their 
pride the liberty to guess it. This weakening would 
come naturally from the emulation of diverse sects. 

In this contest, the Catholics could not act the 
part of arbitrator, because they would be preocup- 
pied only by the desire of reforming themselves. 

It was child's play to persuade them that they 
must implement a return to the sources and a bril- 
liant modernization. I suggested that the zeal to 
give us, in all languages, new Biblical translations 
in modern style must not be slowed down. There 
also, I noted a lively competition. I did not men- 
tion the financial aspect of the problem, but the 
number of translations allowed us to notice that 
this aspect had not escaped the vigilance of 
Churchmen. 

The modernization of God's Word often allowed 
the Church's obstinacy to diminish. And that was 
done in a very natural way 

Every time that a word seemed rarely used 
and risked not being understood, it was replaced 
by a word altogether simple — and, of course, always 
to the detriment of the real meaning. How could 
I complain about this? 

Besides, these new translations facilitated the 
Biblical dialogue upon which we laid great hope. 



66 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

For this dialogue would lead to sending Church- 
men somewhere else, anywhere, so as to let laymen 
be at liberty to act as adults. I also proposed inter- 
confessional Biblical meetings. This was my real aim, 
and moreover it could even go further, by adding 
a benevolent examination of the Koran and of some 
other oriental books. To forget "Raven Hair," I per- 
sonally prepared many sessions of Biblical dialogue 
by stressing the diverse aspects of some key 
problems. 

One of my preferred dialogues concerned the 
Pope, because this personage is really an obstacle 
for me. When I say "this personage," I mean also 
the texts upon which his title is based. Those texts 
are also as embarrassing for me as they are for the 
separated Christians (as they say). 

I am very grateful to the one who thought that 
the word "prevail" has become incomprehensible 
to modern man and has replaced it by "be able." 

Instead of "the gates of Hell will never prevail 
against it" (the Church), he has written: "The gates 
of Hell will never be able to do anything against 
it." This makes my Biblical dialogue meetings much 
easier, at least in French-speaking countries. 

Everyone notices very quickly that this 
prophecy, which claims that Hell can do nothing 
against the Church, is absolutely false, and every- 
one breathes easier because thus vanishes this age- 



An Anti-religious Zeal 67 

old belief in a divine protection which would 
definitely always favor the efforts of Catholics (and 
by implication: never those of heretics!). 

I like to launch my dialogues in the labyrinth 
of the Old Testament. The Book of Genesis, all by 
itself, is enough to make an honest man become 
crazy. The older I grow, the more I notice that only 
the faith of the coalman and the faith of a child 
can survive in a world in which intelligence takes 
priority over anything else. 

I even have reason to ask this question: "Are 
there any more coalmen, and above all, are there 
any more children?" 

It seems today, at least in the white race, that 
childhood dies at birth and is replaced, I must say, 
by small, quite annoying adults. 

I do not know if I must rejoice over this. That 
faith loses ground by it is all right, but will my faith 
gain anything by it? 

Many question marks arise here. 

Not long after my third meeting with "Raven 
Hair," France, her country, was invaded by Hitler's 
soldiers and seemed to have put up only an imagi- 
nary resistance. 

On this occasion, I wrote a very nice letter 



68 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

to my proud girlfriend, in which I tried to console 
her. 

She agreed to take a ride with me in the coun- 
try. She had an automobile that her uncle had lent 
her. In fact, she was staying at the home of a brother 
of her father. But her real family had remained in 
France, right in the occupied zone. 

She would have liked to return to her country, 
a very human reaction which pleased me very much. 
I liked this pride and this need to excel. How I 
would have wanted to have her become my 
colleague! 

Nevertheless, I dared not come to the prob- 
lem of faith, nor even to political problems. The 
medal that she still wore today, on this fourth meet- 
ing, put a whole world between us two. 

While we were having tea in a charming estab- 
lishment, which seemed reserved to lovers, a couple 
made us a little sign of discreet friendship, which 
filled me with anxiety. The man was the brother 
of a classmate of mine. I had been invited into his 
family, and he knew me well. How could he forget 
that I was a seminarian? I could not hope that much. 
The young girl in his company was a cousin of 
"Raven Hair." 

I was furious and my girlfriend noticed it. She 
offered to introduce me to her uncle and aunt, so 



An Anti-religious Zeal 69 

that I could quietly and naturally visit her at her 
home, or rather, their home. I thought of asking 
her, "Under what title?" As betrothed? ... How 
could I tell her that I wanted her all for myself, 
but that I would never marry her? No, I was riveted 
to Catholic celibacy in order to serve the cause of 
the proletariat. 

If she could have understood my aspiration, 
it would have been marvelous, but I dared not even 
to broach the problem to her. And yet, I could then 
have gone to visit her at her residence. It would 
have been sufficient that she accept an obscure part. 

She noticed that I was not enthusiastic over 
the idea of being introduced to her family, and she 
left offended by that. It was not a first quarrel, but 
a first serious misunderstanding. I did not have 
enough money to rent an apartment, nor even a 
studio. The Party would not allow such squander- 
ing because it is a grievous bourgeois defect. 

On that day we almost separated coldly. Both 
of us felt that some unknown forces were leagued 
against us and our newborn love. There was no need 
of talking to feel that. Moreover, I was asking myself 
if, like other young girls, she were only prompted 
by the desire to get married. A legitimate desire, 
of course, and I did not reproach her for it, but 
on this occasion, a very disastrous one. I therefore 
bid her farewell with subtle coldness and without 
having foreseen the next meeting. 



70 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

She replied with a slight shrug and walked 
slowly away. 

I remained without stirring, my eyes resting 
upon her white neck, which bent under the weight 
of her too-heavy hair — and also her too-sad thoughts. 
As I remained motionless, she turned around and 
looked at me. About ten meters separated us. Then 
I saw this marvelous thing: she was returning — 
very slowly, her eyes on my eyes, she was return- 
ing, she was returning to me. When she was very 
close to me, she lifted her hands slowly and laid 
them on my shoulders. She kept on looking at me, 
and I did not move. Then she continued her ges- 
ture by touching my lips with her lips. It was the 
first time that I kissed a woman. 



10 

How A Simple Medal Is Allowed 

To Play A Part As If It Had 

Some Kind Of Right Over The Men 

Whom It Encounters 



Happily, at the very beginning I had rented 
a post office box, of which Uncle Achille had the 
key A post office is very useful when one refuses, 
without seeming to do so, to give one's real address. 

A few days after this kiss, the memory of which 
would wake me up every night, I received a mar- 
velous letter from "Raven Hair." She wrote to me: 
"So that I may continue to paint seriously, my uncle 
has rented a small shop for me. I am expecting you 
to come there and have tea with me Saturday." 

At that time, I quit singing and passed all my 
Saturdays at her shop. My girlfriend even made a 
portrait of me. To tell the truth, I must say that 
she had a real talent and that I was filled with pride 
by the masterful way with which she had 

71 



72 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

represented my personality. In that portrait I could 
better find out what I was for her. Without lying, 
I was much more, in her eyes, than a charming 
prince. I was more of a conqueror, more manly. . . 
with maybe a secret inkling of cruelty. I asked her 
how she saw my character and if she really sus- 
pected me of having secret and quite disturbing 
defects. 

She seemed to become indignant over this. I 
told her, "Yet, this portrait reveals a conquering, 
a proud spirit with a secret sparkle of cruelty." She 
was dumbfounded and told me that I had too much 
imagination and that, on the contrary, she had 
wanted to represent what I was for her, that is, the 
ideal man . . . and how could an ideal man have 
secret defects? I then asked her what were my 
apparent defects, since I had no secret ones. She 
replied to me with a bewildering foresight that it 
was a certain taste for the "ivory tower." 

To gain her forgiveness, I assured her, and it 
was the real truth, that she was always with me 
in my "ivory tower" She answered me that she had 
no doubt about that, but that it was a presence 
that I alone could perceive and that she could feel 
only an absence. How to conciliate my desire to 
have her all to myself and that of not being able 
to be everything to her? 

She asked me what obstacle prevented me from 
being receptive and open. I hesitated a long while, 



A Simple Medal 73 

and I decided to risk everything with her by point- 
ing at the medal that she wore on her neck. She 
looked at me with great surprise. "Don't you have 
the Faith?" she asked simply. I said, "No," without 
adding anything else. 

She implored me to explain the effect that the 
medal produced on me. I answered her, "It is an 
obstacle in the sense that it represents something 
which we will never be able to love together." While 
she was thinking this over, I insisted, saying: "More- 
over, it seems on purpose to come between us two 
in order that we might never belong to one another." 
Then she took off the medal and gave it to me. 
I put it in my pocket, asking myself what I would 
do with it. I believe it was made of gold. I would 
have liked to have it melted and to have something 
else engraved on it, but this was impossible. 

By this gesture she had united our two desti- 
nies in a very strange manner. She was tactful 
enough not to ask me what I was going to do with 
it. In the following days I had some anxiety about 
this subject. I had the temptation to get some infor- 
mation about this thing, which bore the qualifier 
"miraculous," not that I could believe that this orna- 
ment had the power to perform miracles. Accord- 
ing to me, nobody performs miracles. Those that 
are narrated as such are either invented or will later 
be scientifically explained. Nevertheless, I read that 
this medal was reputed to have brought back 
unbelievers to the Faith. I did not believe in the 



74 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

reality of this fact, nor even, of course, in its possi- 
bility, but I feared that my dear friend had this hope 
in her heart, which destroyed for me the gesture 
of giving it to me, of sacrificing the medal for me. 
On the contrary, in this new light, she had not made 
a sacrifice. Was I stupid to such a degree? Was it 
not also stupidity to be tormented about this? A 
few months later, while we were both bent over 
her latest sketches, in front of a wood fire fostering 
calmness, I softly asked her this question: Had she 
not given me her medal in the hope of converting 
me; was it not just the opposite of a sacrifice? She 
snuggled in my arms and answered me: "I never 
lie; surely I want that medal to bring about your 
conversion. I ask that favor every night and morn- 
ing, my poor Dear, and also many times a day, maybe 
at every quarter of an hour." I did not know what 
to answer. 

I feared nothing from this medal and her 
prayers; for me they were mere childishness; 
nevertheless, I suffered as if I had been defeated. 
For, on my part, I wanted her, with all my strength, 
as my colleague, and without the medal. What was 
it between us? The more I thought it out, the more 
I saw the logic that the man should win, at least 
in such a strong and burning love like ours. But 
I said no such thing. Nevertheless, I knew that she 
could not be all mine until she thought like I did. 

It was not a matter of pride but because I had 
to explain to her why I could not marry her. If she 



A Simple Medal 75 

had shared my ideas and had been willing to help 
me in my mission, she would have acceded, I think, 
to living with me very secretly in a marital way. 
Not only could I never get married, but I must 
also appear to be altogether virtuous. 

One winter evening, while I was drawing the 
curtains and she was serving tea, I thought that 
I had pricked myself with a pin forgotten in the 
tassel. I looked more closely and found that it was 
a very small medal, of white metal, I suppose of 
which the rather coarse ring had a defect which 
pricked. It was the same kind of a medal, only much 
smaller. 

When I turned around, she was watching me. 
She had understood. "So the curtain also needs to 
be converted?" said I with bitterness. "Don't be 
absurd and mean," she answered me. "It is just 
because I am not absurd that I wish to understand 
what you expect from this talisman." She became 
angry and her face turned completely red. "It is 
not a talisman." "Then what is it?" "An act of Faith." 
"A Faith in what?" "Not in what; in whom ... in 
Her, the Mother of Jesus Christ." (If I use capital 
letters, it is because she spoke with capital letters). 

I did not wish to continue this useless conver- 
sation; I remained silent. She kept on talking in 
very low tones: "One must believe that metal, wood 
or paper has not the least importance. I know that 
it is this aspect of the issue which appalls you. In 



76 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

fact, a medal is only a simple way of exteriorizing 
one's faith, and not only of exteriorizing it, but also 
of increasing it. The fact of always carrying this 
medal on myself and of having it in the house where 
I work incites me to pray more often to her who 
gave me Jesus Christ." 

Thus she had not really sacrificed her medal 
for me. She possessed many others. I do not know 
what prevented me from raping her at that very 
moment. She will never know how close she came 
to it. There followed a lengthy silence. I was trem- 
bling with anger. I would have liked to cry out my 
hatred. But I only said, "You are mine and I cannot 
tolerate that you love something more than you love 
me." "How strange you are! These two cannot be 
compared. All that is religious belongs to another 
domain. It is neither a matter of intelligence, nor 
heart." "Then, what is it?" I asked with impatience. 
She answered softly, "The immense domain of the 
Supernatural." "I know nothing about it." "I thought 
so," she said with her smile, which I cannot resist. 
Is she aware that she dominates me solely by her 
smile? 

At certain moments it seems that there is noth- 
ing but this strange power over me. Her smile is 
slow. One has time to see it come. Her lips open 
with much softness and such slowness that each 
time one asks himself if it will develop fully. When 
the brightness of her teeth appears, one feels filled 
with joy, as in my case. I then abandon myself to 



A Simple Medal 77 

the benefit of this delightful tenderness. It is what 
I did at this moment when I needed a quieting 
comfort. 

Then she asked me the strangest question of 
all. She said to me, "Why do you not want to marry 
me?" I had never said that I did not want to marry 
her. But "Raven Hair" seemed to possess a certain 
gift of divination, a gift that sometimes scares me. 
What did she really know about me? I answered 
her: "I do not wish to get married, but I cannot 
tell you why." She let out a little sigh and said to 
me, "Is it because I believe in God?" Women are 
strange; they can pass from childishness to divina- 
tion. My mother was like that. I answered, "A couple 
must love the same things. It is in fact the greatest 
obstacle." She smiled again and said, "I will never 
love anvone but vou." 



11 

How The Destructive Work 
Seems To Make Great Progress 

Although It Runs Against 
Ridiculously Childish Obstacles 

At that time, I showed great energy in destroy- 
ing the Marian cult. I insisted greatly upon the dif- 
ficulty that Catholics and the Orthodox caused 
Protestants by keeping up their numerous devotions 
to the Virgin Mary. I pointed out that the dear Sepa- 
rated Brethren were more logical and wiser. This 
human creature, about whom we know almost noth- 
ing, becomes in our Church in some way more 
powerful than God (or, at least, more gentle). On 
this account, I defended the rights of God with 
much amusement. I stressed the fact that many Pro- 
testants believe that Mary had other children after 
Jesus. Do they believe that her virginity was 
safeguarded at the birth of this First Child? This 
is difficult to say. But, in all this, it is hard to deter- 
mine the exact beliefs of these different branches 
of Christianity. In fact, each one believes what he 

78 



The Destructive Work Runs Against Obstacles 79 

wishes. Nevertheless, it is relatively easy to know 
what they dislike. 

I therefore advocated the suppression of the 
Rosary and of the numerous feast days reserved to 
Mary. My missal numbered twenty-five of them. To 
these may be added certain regional feasts. And, 
also included in my project, is the total destruction 
of medals, images and statues. Much work in sight, 
but it was worthwhile. 

But, I did not see how I would be able to sup- 
press Lourdes and Fatima — and some other pil- 
grimage places of minor importance. As for Lourdes, 
it is terribly annoying; it is an open wound in the 
hearts of Protestants. Never could the Universal 
Church take root as long as this place of pilgrimage 
would every year draw several million individuals 
of all races. I made a special study of the Lourdes 
phenomenon, but this extensive undertaking did not 
lead to much discovery — just enough to show that 
there was a serious enough difference between 
primitive testimonies. 

One spoke of Bernadette's fainting and of being 
pursued by the apparition up to the place where 
she was residing — a mill, if my memory is correct. 
The other denied this fact. The child herself did 
not acknowledge it. One could say that she had 
forgotten it, but this did not appear to be serious. 
I detest propaganda that is based on lies. I know 
very well that the Party approves lying when a 



80 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

greater welfare is at stake, but for my part, I prefer 
dignity. I thus feel stronger. I even feel that I exceed 
those of my Party who have made use of lies. I 
believe that it is always possible to succeed by only 
playing with truth. It is sufficient to know how to 
interpret the useful aspect of each truth. Thus, I 
may say that my mission has its foundation on this 
command of Christ: "Love one another." Simply, 
I was directing the charitable regard of the whole 
Church for the branches of Christianity deemed 
heretical. By listening to me, they disobeyed the 
Apostles, but in general, they took no notice of this. 

Another difficulty was that, to dethrone Mary, 
it was necessary to suppress Christmas. But 
Christmas has become a feast of joy, even for 
unbelievers. The latter cannot even explain why and 
how it is so. It has to be noted that peace and joy 
are very desirable, good things. On the other hand, 
it is consoling to note that if Jesus of Nazareth is 
not the Son of God, His Mother is of no impor- 
tance. It is not even worthwhile to know her name. 

And for him who wishes to keep on admiring, 
with just reason, the greater part of the moral teach- 
ing of Jesus (whom I accuse of being revolution- 
ary), it becomes ridiculous to venerate the childhood 
of the said Jesus. What is this little baby born in 
a manger? What does it change? It is to be noted 
that, whereas Protestant Christians do not believe 
generally the virginal birth of the Prophet Jesus, 
seven hundred million Moslems have adopted this 



The Destructive Work Runs Against Obstacles 81 

dogma through their Koran. Which, we must real- 
ize, obliges half of humanity to venerate this young 
woman. Surely something very odd . . . Nevertheless, 
the oddest thing is the fact that Moslems consider 
Jesus only as a Prophet, and a lesser Prophet than 
their Mohammed, who was born in an altogether 
natural way. 

Human oddness has no limit. All this 
strengthens my conviction that to deny the virginity 
of Mary is the safest way to transform Christians 
into disciples of a man who would not at all be 
God. Who does not see how useful it is to kill Jesus 
of Nazareth before killing God? 

The Gospels and Epistles, in fact the whole 
New Testament, become the word of man, and of 
course, each one could chose in them what he 
wishes, criticize what displeases him and deny what 
is exaggerated . . . Such is our goal. Whereas in the 
Orient icons represent the principal devotion to 
Mary and are today in all of Russia hidden or 
destroyed, in the Occident the Rosary is very popu- 
lar. This devotion, which professes to honor fifteen 
so-called Mysteries, must be vigorously destroyed. 
It is capable, all by itself, of maintaining and 
propagating the faith in a Triune God. 

As for all other things, it will be necessary to 
make all those who keep on reciting the Rosary 
feel guilty. 



82 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Such is the summary of the orders which I 
sent throughout the world at the time when, in 
my seminarian's room, I had hung up on the pic- 
ture of the one I could never marry, the medal spo- 
ken of as miraculous. Anybody would have thought 
that I was asking for a miracle; whereas instead, 
I wanted to fortify myself in my hatred, which how- 
ever was not petty. 

On the following Saturday "Raven Hair" could 
not receive me; they had just gone on a Marian 
pilgrimage. My anger was equalled only by my 
amusement, for surely it was for my conversion that 
the poor little girl had gone to all this trouble. I 
went to exercise my voice, which I had neglected 
to do these last weeks. My friend Achille was 
altogether delighted. I could not refrain from tell- 
ing him the whole story about the medal. I was 
dumbfounded by his answer. He told me, "Beware! 
All that is said about that medal is true. If you have 
it in your room, you are in danger." I asked him 
if he had a fever. He pretended not to hear, but 
the very sight of this medal made him sick and 
he could never bear its presence without becom- 
ing wild. The human heart is an incomprehensible 
chasm. That my old professor — an ardent Commu- 
nist — could speak in such a manner worried me 
greatly. For the first time in my life, I had doubts 
about the success of my mission. I felt frightfully 
unhappy, and I then stopped to think that this work 
was my only reason for living, my only love. I knew 
it theoretically, but on this day I learned it in the 



The Destructive Work Runs Against Obstacles 83 

suffering of my mind, disgusted by the stupidity 
of man's heart. 

I wanted to discuss it with him, but to no avail. 
Achille answered me: "I believe in nothing — neither 
in God, nor in the devil, much less in the Virgin 
Mary — but I am afraid of that medal; that's all." 
"But, do you believe that it could convert you?" 
I cried out, shaking him by the shoulders. He said 
to me, "Surely not, but I'm afraid; that's all." "But 
do you not see the stupidity of this fear? Don't you 
see that it would be honorable for you to overcome 
this childish fear by placing this medal prominently 
in your house?" He did not answer, so I insisted. 
With weariness, he said to me, "Let's talk about 
something else." "No, I will pursue this matter to 
the end, for it is the future of humanity which is 
at stake in what you believe to be only childish- 
ness. What will become of Communists if, like you, 
they remain secretly terrorized by an icon or a 
medal? What will they become? Think." 

He did not want to think. It was therefore up 
to me to do so in his stead, because for me it will 
always be impossible to remain passive in the face 
of defeat. Every difficulty excites me and is stimulat- 
ing to me. 

In the face of his obstinacy, I left, slamming 
the door, but I knew very well what I was going 
to do. 



84 A A 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

On the following Saturday, before going to visit 
"Raven Hair," I went by Achilles house with a ham- 
mer, a nail, the medal and its chain. Without allow- 
ing him to discuss it, I went straight to his bedroom. 
I hammered the nail at the head of his bed, where 
the crucifix is often placed, and I hung on it the 
Miraculous Medal. 

The following Saturday, Achille had moved away, 
and I never knew what had become of him. 

This disappearance was a great inconvenience 
for my activities, at least until Achille could be 
replaced. Upon leaving, he had returned to me the 
medal and also the key to the post office box. 



12 

The Catechism Of The 

Year 2000 And A Poor 

But Zealous Student 

During that year, I worked hard on the com- 
position of a new catechism which would suit the 
Universal Church, such as I wanted to see estab- 
lished in the whole world. Shaping the minds of 
young children is a vital necessity for all doctrine 
that has self-respect. To teach atheism from the out- 
set of childhood is important because the mysteri- 
ous part of religious doctrine leaves a certain 
nostalgia, except in truly superior beings, to whom 
I belong. But it would not be honest on my part 
to deny that many atheists are not altogether frank 
with themselves. No one likes to acknowledge his 
weaknesses; it is why one must endeavor never to 
be weak. Moreover, the strong must give to the 
weak — who are a majority — a solid support which 
can prevent them from tripping. In the light of reli- 
gious doctrines, it is wise to consider each man 
as handicapped, at least to the end of this twen- 
tieth century. 

85 



86 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

It is altogether reasonable to hope that the cure 
will be at hand for the year 2000. A certain num- 
ber of words must be banished completely from 
the human vocabulary, and the best method is to 
be sure that children never hear these words. 

That is why it is much better to compose a 
new catechism than to hope for a simple suppres- 
sion of all religious teaching. . . No, this will be pos- 
sible only in two or three generations. 

For the moment, one must play with the 
phenomenon that "Church" equals the "Meeting 
of friendly brethren of the whole world." This cate- 
chism will therefore be one of that friendship which 
will replace the antiquated Christian charity. 

The word "charity" must absolutely be 
banished and be replaced by the word "love," which 
allows you to keep your feet on the ground and 
even to play all kinds of ambiguous games without 
seeming to do so. 

I must say that I have always had and continue 
to have great respect for the underlying and even 
subterranean power of ambiguous interaction when 
it is in hands worthy of it. 

While I was preparing this new catechism, I 
took note of all that must be gradually modified 
or suppressed in the actual teaching. I also felt the 
burning desire to have "Raven Hair" share my con- 



The Catechism of the Year 2000 87 

victions. It was she who made it easy for me, by 
describing to me her pilgrimage and the so-called 
"miracles" performed by the Holy Virgin Mary. 

I explained to her that all these religious 
phenomena, whatever they are in reality, were the 
fruit of her own creation. She vehemently denied 
this. I said to her: "All that you can neither see 
nor feel is the result of your creation, and I do 
not understand why this angers you." "You do not 
see it because you do not know that my entire faith 
has been revealed to me and comes from Heaven. 
I would have been completely incapable of invent- 
ing all that." "You have not invented this yourself; 
that is true, but you are imitating your ancestors; 
that's all." "No," she told me, "it is more than an 
imitation." I calmly explained to her that, for exam- 
ple, her belief in the Real Presence of Jesus Christ 
in the Eucharist produces this presence according 
to the strength of her faith, but for anyone who 
believes in nothing, nothing is produced. She would 
not admit this and, on the other hand, it was impor- 
tant for me that, following the example of Protes- 
tants, she should take this course. The real aim that 
I took pains to hide from her was the suppression 
of all faith, but before that I had to have her go 
through this intermediate stage. I proved to her by 
the Gospels, and especially by the cures effected 
by Christ for which the faith of the sick person 
is always required, that this said faith was in reality 
what performed the cure. But she was as stubborn 
as a child, pretending that Christ had wanted to 



88 AA 1025— Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

arouse faith, this being a greater blessing than a 
corporal cure. I explained to her that nothing reli- 
gious exists outside of creative faith, and that is 
why it is absurd to baptize babies, that we should 
wait until they come of age, and that Baptism could 
be suppressed someday as a magical action of a 
rather childish past. 

She started to cry and told me that we should 
stop meeting for awhile. I agreed willingly to this 
because I had in fact much to do and I thought, 
moreover, that a separation might render her more 
docile, because women do not bear grief as well 
as we men do. 

As for me, I was too much attached to her and 
I was proud to prove my strength of character. I 
obtained permission to follow two courses at the 
University, which allowed me to introduce myself 
in that circle without revealing my being a 
seminarian. 

The Director had authorized me to dress in 
lay clothes every time that I thought it necessary. 
He seemed even to admit that the cassock had 
become anachronistic. We understood each other 
almost without speaking, knowing very well that 
the modern priest would be altogether different from 
his predecessors. 

It is a truism to repeat that one must be in 
accord with his time. For my part, I figured then 



The Catechism of the Year 2000 89 

that the Church was quite backward. To me it 
seemed easy to prove that since the Council of Trent 
it had not moved forward at all and that it should 
therefore make up for lost time. 

I was also obliged to replace Achille, because 
I could not myself go to the post office box and 
I could not code my correspondence either. I did 
not have time to do it. I needed a reliable man, 
and in time of war it was hard to find one. At last 
I received the order to contact a professor of the 
University, which at first sight seemed to be a prac- 
tical move. But when I saw the old fellow, I was 
disgusted. I have a sure flair for judging people. 
This one reeked of treason. I nevertheless gave him 
the key to the post office box, but decided to refer 
the matter to higher authority before giving him 
works to be coded. Unhappily, I received the order 
to obey without discussion. 

I worried very much over this, and I decided 
to find a second correspondent to whom I would 
entrust the same work; thus, it would be easy, at 
least after the war, to make comparisons. 

I almost came to the point of hoping that my 
suspicions would be right, first of all for the plea- 
sure of being right, but especially to compare the 
worth of my two correspondents to whom I would 
entrust two different texts on the same subject and 
bearing the signature AA-1025. If the professor were 
a traitor, he had to be careful to introduce very 



90 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

prudent transformations to my texts, unless he 
thought that he could take advantage of the war 
to destroy all my work. Whatever the case, I had 
good reason to hire a second correspondent. 

I found him among the poor students. He was 
a bit hot-headed, but his zeal suited me. I let him 
understand that he might hope to have a bright 
future with us. It is not the custom of the Party 
to excite the egotism and avarice of man, but I had 
to see to it that a sensible calmness should develop 
in this young man. When I was through settling 
this matter, I was strongly tempted to see "Raven 
Hair" again. I cared too much. This was not fitting 
for a militant Communist, still less for a future Grand 
Chief of the Party. I had already gone through three 
years of seminary life; only three more remained. 
After that, everyone agreed that I would be sent 
to Rome to undertake higher studies. Then I think 
I would myself become a professor, probably a 
professor in a seminary. 

Those are key positions in the Church which 
afford one the possibility of forming patiently an 
altogether new clergy who will have nothing in com- 
mon with the old one, except the name. 

My life was already all mapped out for me, and 
I did not desire another one. But I must admit to 
myself that a particle of sand, as powerful as a rock, 
had intruded itself into the gears. If only I had been 
endowed with a frivolous character, I could have 



The Catechism of the Year 2000 91 

considered "Raven Hair" as an hygienic pastime. 
But I was not even her lover. I did not want to 
be, as long as she did not share my dearest convic- 
tions. For me, the union of man and woman must 
be total, or it does not exist. Only the union of 
hearts and minds can allow the union of bodies; 
otherwise, it is prostitution. 

I found myself to be in the following absurd 
position — to be the man who was endeavoring to 
destroy all religions on earth and to be unable to 
convince a young girl twenty years old. I knew that 
I should leave her. I did not forget that the Uncle, 
in his Russia which was at war, would not be happy 
if he knew all this. And I also thought that I was 
not watched so closely as in time of peace. 

But the height of my distress was that there 
was something that I had not the courage to do. 



13 

How The Apostles' Creed 

And The Seven Sacraments 

Are Severely Censured 

While working on my new catechism, which 
could be called Catechism of the Religion of Man, 
I noticed that it would be a wise thing to prepare 
a series, portioning out each time the modifications 
and restrictions, in order that minds would grad- 
ually get used to it. The first edition must modestly 
suppress two articles of the Apostles' Creed. 

First, to replace the word "Catholic" by 
"Universal," which means the same thing. But it 
is very important that this word "Catholic" should 
not offend Protestant ears and would not incite the 
faithful of the Roman Rite to believe themselves 
to be Super-Christians. 

Afterwards, to bluntly suppress the cult of the 
Saints. The Saints must disappear before God does, 
although it is much easier to kill God than His 
Saints. For the time being, I would proceed as fol- 

92 



The Apostles' Creed 93 

lows: First, suppress all the Saints who have not 
been formally approved and also those who did not 
have significant success. Suppress also all those who 
helped to fight against the Reform, because they 
have nothing to do with our present epoch, in which 
Unity concerns all hearts. 

Later, it would be particularly crafty to demand 
discreetly, with great emotion and crocodile tears, 
the rehabilitation, then the beatification, and even 
the canonization of the greatest heretics, especially 
those who have shown a burning, a devouring and 
explosive hatred toward the Church of Rome. It will 
be better at first to launch a few "trial balloons" with 
Luther, for example; and if there is no reaction on 
the part of Catholics — I mean, if they are not 
offended — then this aspect of our activities will play 
a little solo, with prudence and modesty, at regular 
intervals, and then increasingly more frequently 
Next, we will proceed to suppress Judgment, Heaven, 
Purgatory and Hell. That is even easier. 

Many are well disposed to believe that the good- 
ness of God surpasses every offense. All we have 
to do is to insist on this goodness. A God whom 
no one fears quickly becomes a God about whom 
no one thinks. Such was the end to be reached. 

After this, the Ten Commandments of God 
could be kept, but the Six Commandments of the 
Church should be suppressed. They are ridicu- 
lous. . .ridiculous. . . 



94 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 



Here, I allow myself to interrupt Michael's 
memoirs, because I feel too much like speaking. I 
do not know what the Editor will think of it. Maybe 
he will take a big red pencil and, while crossing out 
my impertinent reflections, he will say to himself: 
"Does this woman without talent imagine that I will 
let her put her two cents in the very middle of a 
text that does not belong to her?" That is what prob- 
ably will happen, and no one will ever know but 
myself 

But if the red pencil has not yet been put to 
work, I must say that I feel responsible for this pub- 
lication and that the Six Commandments of the 
Church, which have been taken away from us under 
pretext of giving us the noble liberty of sanctifying 
ourselves according to our tastes, also carry a heavy 
responsibility, if I am allowed thus to express myself 
I do not like to complain, I do not like those who 
are satisfied to moan, and I do not like those who 
have the soul of a slave (that is, I only mean to say 
that I am not attracted by that kind of people), but 
the Six Commandments of the Church were our 
friends. To believe that we obeyed them just because 
we thought that by doing so we would automati- 
cally gain an eternity of supernatural happiness is 
surely almost insulting. 

But I, who am only a mere nurse, accustomed 
to remain silent, would like to say the same thing, 



The Apostles' Creed 95 

that the clergymen of this century try to make them- 
selves disagreeable. Why? . . .it is something that I 
cannot guess. 

But it is a universally known fact that they are 
endeavoring to impose upon us their innovations, as 
if the latter came from their purely supernatural love 
for their very dear and beloved faithful. 

Thus, we the faithful, the lambs, would have 
felt secret grief on seeing our dear priests exercising 
their ministry at the foot of a high altar, with this 
(for us), that worsening circumstance that they turned 
their backs toward us. 

It is strange, but they never guessed that we 
knew perfectly well that they were speaking to God — 
in our name, of course. No, they were moved (not 
only women are artful) by our isolation and our secret 
griefs, so they first came down to the level of the 
communion table, and this only on great feast days. 

The result was that, on those days, only the first 
four rows could see something. And it is then, and 
only then, that all the other rows felt abandoned. 

After this, they put up an ordinary table at the 
foot of the altar steps, and the former high altar 
quickly became a vestige of a childish past and so 
showy that it must be destroyed — in this century 
in which man is about to be deified. 



96 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Because the Blessed Sacrament could not be kept 
on a table, they relegated it generally to an opening 
rapidly carved in one of the side walls of the church. 
Sometimes clergymen kept the Blessed Sacrament in 
what was formerly the Tabernacle, which became 
a small cupboard stripped of all that surrounded 
it. Some of them said Mass and performed other 
ceremonies with their backs turned toward the Blessed 
Sacrament, something that formerly was strictly for- 
bidden. But they looked at us and we could behold 
them at our ease, and this was, it seems, much more 
important, especially when they needed to blow their 
nose. 

On this table — called an altar and about which 
no one knows if it has been blessed and if it holds 
the relic of a martyr (as required by a long-standing 
custom) — they placed a small crucifix. 

When they found out that this meek Christ on 
the cross had his back turned to us and was looking 
only at them, they suppressed it, as well as the can- 
dles and other accessories unworthy of such a scien- 
tific century. It is their way of collaboration with 
what is ordinarily called "mutation" which so desig- 
nates all changes, noteworthy or not, and thus, by 
this highly learned denomination, they place these 
changes on a pedestal, which no one will dare oppose. 

By always bending down paternally to our 
spiritual needs, the clergymen of this century made 
other discoveries. 



The Apostles' Creed 97 

Having noticed that Protestants (to whom they 
vow special affection) do not kneel in their temples, 
they concluded that we must desire to do the same, 
hut for a different motive, for we were not yet ripe 
to cultivate the desire of imitating the Protestants, 
hut that we must certainly wish to he invited to imi- 
tate our priests, who do not kneel while celebrating 
the Mass. Thus they chose a few young colleagues 
and gave them all authority over us, and also the 
use of one or several microphones. 

It was at the time when we had to put up with 
"Sit-Stand; Sit-Stand" during the whole Mass, as mili- 
tary commands being re-echoed and destroying all 
desire for a humble and quiet prayer. . ."Sit-Stand," 
because "one does not come to Mass to pray," they 
cried out at that time. 

In ten years, we were well trained and our 
trainers can now rest. 

It seems that even they have taken a liking to 
rest; at least, their last innovations confirm this 
diagnosis. 

In the first place, they have multiplied con- 
celebration, in which only one man devotes himself 
to pronounce all the words of the Mass. In general, 
he chooses the shortest Canon, out of charity, I 
believe, toward his colleagues, who are waiting for 
the word "Amen" with a well-hidden impatience. 



98 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Since our Masses have now given precedence 
of honor to the three readings of the Bible, although 
our culture does not allow us to understand a tenth 
part of them, they only give to the sacrifice proper 
(allowing that some of them still believe they are 
offering a sacrifice) a minimum of time with a max- 
imum of noise. 

Those concelebrations allow all the other clergy- 
men present, who have quickly passed a white alb 
over their trousers, their shirts or their blazers, to 
pronounce only the few words of the Consecration, 
with outstretched arm (which, I fear, must tire them 
a little). So these concelebrations enable them to 
dream during all the rest of the ceremony. 

To flatter the lay faithful and render them docile 
to new future innovations, the readings of the Old 
Testament and of the Epistles are very often 
performed by some young man, or some prominent 
person who does not know how to articulate, or 
even by some pretty young girl with naked thighs. 

I hope that the Editor and the readers of this 
book will forgive a nurse, who usually restrains her- 
self, those few lines in which any man with a heart 
will read the grief which dictated them. Once more, 
I beg your pardon and I will now allow the secret 
agent to speak of a cause that tries to push the 
Barque of Peter to shipwreck. 



The Apostles' Creed 99 



Concerning the suppression of the Command- 
ments of the Church, we must praise the Christian 
who has become an adult and who knows perfectly 
well that God is too immense to be preoccupied 
about seeing us eat meat or not on Friday. As to 
the annual Confession, it would be a good thing 
to replace it by a community ceremony in which 
a priest will enumerate the most usual crimes against 
the lower classes, because it is toward these sins 
that the attention of the people should be drawn. 
Private Confession is a waste of time. But on the 
contrary, the ceremony that I am dreaming up will 
condition minds and will produce excellent fruit. 

But this requires a well-trained clergy As for 
the obligatory Mass on Sunday, it will be well to 
remark that modern man needs fresh air and green 
fields, and that it is altogether desirable that he 
go out to the country on Saturday and Sunday. 

Thus, those who still care for a cult or a weekly 
Mass could be authorized to choose Friday instead 
of Sunday. Friday evening would be well-suited, 
except for those who leave for the country on that 
evening. Then, they would be allowed to choose 
Thursday. Finally, what must take priority over any- 
thing else is that each one will follow his own 
conscience. 

This method, invented by Protestants, which 



100 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

consists in obeying one's conscience, is of great excel- 
lence. It does not permit giving orders that will 
risk displeasing some, and it allows replacing these 
orders by various suggestions which let freedom act 
at ease. 

Of course, all that concerns supernatural life 
and grace will have to be suppressed. These are 
dangerous notions. 

Prayer, therefore the Our Father, will be 
momentarily kept. But it will be very clever to oblige 
Catholics to use familiar language with God, under 
the charitable pretext of adopting, in all countries, 
for the translation into the common language a ver- 
sion in accord with that of the Protestants. It will 
be an amiable manner to obtain forgiveness for four 
centuries of arrogance. 

If these new translations displease older peo- 
ple, as it is easy to foresee, it will be all the better. 

Afterwards come the Seven Sacraments, which 
are all to be revised, all the more so because Pro- 
testants only have two. All Christians of all denomi- 
nations have kept Baptism, but for my part, it is 
the Sacrament that I would like to see disappear 
first. This seems relatively easy It is too childish 
a Sacrament — almost as childish as the Sign of the 
Cross and Holy Water. 

I would start by deciding that Baptism would 



The Apostles 7 Creed 101 

be conferred on adults only, and only on those who 
believed that they could not do without it. I see 
all that an intelligent man would derive from this. 
Truly I do not know whence comes all that I invent, 
but I am a man of genius. I feel genius coming 
out through all the pores of my skin. Of course 
the idea that Baptism erases Original Sin must be 
put aside — that Sin is a pure literary invention. The 
story of Adam and Eve must be told, but only to 
be laughed at: it will be taught that Baptism is sim- 
ply a sign of belonging to Universal Christianity, 
that anyone can give it, but that everybody can do 
without it. We must take advantage of this occa- 
sion to sing the praises of the holy souls who live 
in non-Christian religions. This would make them 
feel guilty. Excellent idea. 

Of course, the Sacrament of Confirmation, 
which pretends to confer the Holy Spirit and can 
be administered only by a bishop, must be vigorously 
suppressed. This attitude will permit denouncing 
the dogma of the Holy Trinity as offensive to Jews 
and Moslems, as well as to certain new Protestant 
Sects. 

Therefore, it will not be necessary anymore to 
consecrate Holy Chrism on Holy Thursday. All this 
looks too much like magic. 

It will be necessary to note that faith can very 
well survive without ceremonies or other exterior 
manifestations and that, in this case, it is a nobler 



102 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

faith. We must also insist very much on the emi- 
nent virtues that are to be seen among pagans, Jews, 
Moslems and Communists, because I have often 
noticed that some Catholics are often ashamed that 
there are more Saints in their Church than in others. 

As for the Sacrament called Penance, it would 
be replaced by a community ceremony, which will 
only be an examination of conscience directed by 
a well-trained priest, all of which would be followed 
by a general absolution, as in some Protestant 
Churches. 

Modern priests will be rid of the unending 
hours of confession and of the burden which they 
represent. While writing this, I cannot prevent 
myself from thinking about the unhappy seminary 
professors — who are all dead at the time I write 
this — and who bore until death, each for himself 
in the sight of his God, the useless knowledge of 
the danger that I represented for the future of the 
Church. 

These community confessions could take place 
twice a year, at Easter and Christmas. Some young 
priests will be trained by a solid Socialist formation 
because it will be their aim, in the midst of a 
detailed examination of social sins, to direct minds 
toward Marxism. 

The motives for contrition will be only the lack 
of justice toward others. We will have to convince 



The Apostles' Creed 103 

all that the Christian is a man who has confidence 
in man. Everyone will ask himself this question: 
"Can others have confidence in me?" God will not 
be mentioned in this ceremony, which will not be 
called a Sacrament anymore (because this word must 
also disappear from the vocabulary). Of course, no 
one will talk any more about Indulgences. No one 
will then know the exact meaning of this word. As 
for the Sacrament of Extreme-Unction, we will have 
to find another word for it. It will not be possible 
to suppress it at the very outset of our reform, since 
it concerns the very sick. Such a measure would 
not be popular, but we will have to see to it that 
the notion of eternal life, judgment, Heaven, Pur- 
gatory or Hell be replaced by the sole desire to 
be cured. After a while, people will notice that doc- 
tors do not need the help of a priest in his profes- 
sion of a healer. Nevertheless, I would willingly 
choose the expression "Sacrament of the sick," and 
to avoid the idea of eternal life, it would be allowed 
to offer this Sacrament, even in case of a light illness. 

On the other hand, I have no worry over this; 
all these Sacraments will easily disappear. People 
have no more time for all those things. 

As to the Sacrament of Holy Orders, which 
confers the power to exercise clerical functions, we 
will evidently have to keep it. In our Universal 
Church, we will need priests who will be teachers 
of some Socialist doctrine. 



104 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

These priests will be able to establish feasts, 
using folklore, for example, because people need 
feasts. 

But these feasts will be totally in honor of man, 
without any reference whatsoever to a god. 

Marriage is not a useless Sacrament, under con- 
dition that it be only a family feast. We will have 
to sweep away all those customs which advocate, 
in some backward countries, that the religious mar- 
riage, that is, Catholic, be the only legal form of 
marriage. No, civil marriage should be the only one 
required. Thus, this basely authoritative Church will 
no longer be able to forbid divorce and the re- 
marriage of divorcees. 

I know very well that Jesus of Nazareth has 
spoken in opposition to this opinion, but I have 
already said elsewhere that we must know what 
to choose in His teachings that is suitable to modern 
man. 

The indissolubility of marriage also is an obli- 
gation which spurns the happiness of man. And 
those who speak about the welfare of the child 
ignore that the child will be much better off when 
it will belong to the State. 

And of course marriage will not be refused to 
the priests who ask for it, not any more than the 
Sacrament of Holy Orders will be refused to women. 



14 

How A Universal Church 

Should Sing The 

Glory Of Man 

Before proceeding to a thorough study of the 
Sacrament of the Eucharist, I sent my work to my 
student correspondent and also to "Raven Hair." 

The student was so enthusiastic about it that 
he contacted me one day at the University to hand 
me a series of articles. Blushing, he wanted my sup- 
port to have them published in a good review. In 
principle, we should not have talked together in 
public, but I thought that on account of the war, 
I could take some initiatives. To speak openly with 
the student, to exchange documents, presented no 
danger. 

I felt so much at ease that, as soon as I was 
authorized to follow two courses at the University, 
I bought myself a motorcycle. I could thus abstain 
from traveling in the company of one student or 
another. 

105 



106 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

The articles of the student were simply remark- 
able. I could even have become jealous of him 
because I am not a writer. But I saw at once what 
an invaluable influence these excellently phrased 
articles would have. 

We were heading for an ideal collaboration; 
I was producing the ideas, coldly presented in their 
rigorous logic, and the student chose the most 
remarkable ones or at least those which would 
inspire his astute articles. To feel that my ideas were 
sprouting and would soon bloom in literary flowers 
excited my genius because, in this tandem, I was 
the genius, the student was only the talent. I easily 
found a review that, for a good price, regularly 
accepted publishing the articles inspired by me. I 
had them sent to all the countries not at war, in 
order that they could be translated and circulated. 
But I must admit that they did not have much suc- 
cess until after the war. Having more confidence 
in the student than in the professor imposed by 
my chiefs, I rented a second post office box and 
gave him the key. As he was well paid, he looked 
upon me as a god and would have gotten killed 
for my sake. 

Since "Raven Hair" did not answer me, I sent 
her regularly the student's articles, explaining in 
a short tender letter that they were the reflection 
of my thoughts. "Raven Hair" was sensitive to the 
student's talent and wrote to tell me that his arti- 
cles were much nicer than my so very blunt work. 



How Church Should Sing Glory of Man 107 

I laughed up my sleeve because the articles said 
nothing else but what I had so brutally enounced. 
This confirmed my idea that literary talent can help 
people to swallow all new plans as if they were 
coated with chocolate. 

During all these long weeks, "Raven Hair" did 
not invite me to return to her shop. I was fuming 
with rage when one day I met the girl, whom I 
considered mine, in the corridors of the University. 
She had decided to follow courses in Ancient Art. 
She stopped to tell me that she was preparing an 
answer to my plan for a new catechism, hoping to 
be able to discuss it with me quietly. To discuss, 
to discuss ... I was not in the habit of meeting the 
least obstacle to the ways in which I launched my 
ideas. But I answered her that the pleasure of meet- 
ing her was so strong in me that I could not refuse 
her desire to talk. Nevertheless, I promised myself 
to let her know that a woman who is really in love, 
even without noticing it, should adopt all the opin- 
ions of the man that her heart has chosen. 

On that day, I only told her that I was working 
on the Sacrament of the Eucharist in order to com- 
plete the new catechism which I had sent her. She 
sighed, tears came up to her eyes, and finally she 
went away without answering me. 

I wanted to write, at the beginning of such 
a thrilling work, the true definition of the Eucharist, 
I mean the one which is considered the only true 



108 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

one by Catholics (of course, Protestants have many 
others). To the question, "What is the Eucharist?" 
every Catholic child must answer thus: "The 
Eucharist is a Sacrament that contains really and 
substantially the Body the Blood, the Soul and the 
Divinity of Jesus Christ, under the species of bread 
and wine." Only that!!! To solve this problem, one 
must work seriously. Not that this belief cannot be 
opposed, but one must be prudent and not under- 
take a frontal attack. This so-called "Real Presence 
of Christ under the species of bread and wine" must 
be attacked indirectly. If you attack it frontally, 
Catholics will rebel. Nothing is more dangerous, 
for it is well known that persecution strengthens 
the Faith. It is therefore necessary not to mention 
"Real Presence" and to shed some light on all that 
can destroy or weaken this conviction. 

It is of prime necessity completely to reform 
the words of the Mass, and it will be well even 
to suppress the word itself and to replace it by "The 
Lord's Supper" or by "Eucharist" (for example). 
The Renovation of the Mass must minimize the 
importance of what they call "Consecration" and 
must give to the Communion a much more trivial 
appearance. This is a long-term project, which must 
neglect no detail. 

Thus, to begin with, it is to be noted that the 
priest who offers the Sacrifice turns his back to 
the public and seems to speak directly to an Invisi- 
ble God, a God nevertheless represented by the 



How Church Should Sing Glory of Man 1 09 

large crucifix facing him. This priest is therefore 
the one chosen by God and, at the same time, the 
representative of the people who look at him. He 
gives an impression of strength, but also of 
separation. 

It will be good to make the parishioners feel 
that they are lost, too much isolated, somewhat aban- 
doned, and that they would be very happy if the 
priest would get nearer to them. 

When this idea will have sufficiently progressed, 
we will suggest the possibility of abandoning the 
high altar and of replacing it by a small table, com- 
pletely bare, where the priest will stand facing the 
people. 

Moreover, the part of the cult which properly 
concerns the Eucharist and which requires this 
table, shall be shortened as much as possible, and 
the part concerning the teaching of the Word of 
God noticeably increased. It is well known that 
Catholics are shockingly ignorant of the Bible, so 
this modification of the Mass will appear justified 
to them. I do not say that they will be happy to 
listen to long extracts from the Bible, for very often 
they will understand nothing, but it is not neces- 
sary for them to understand, at least not until truly 
Socialist priests will have been trained. 

Each text forming the Ordinary of the Mass 
will be carefully compared with the texts used by 



110 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

the Anglicans and the Lutherans, in order to pro- 
mote a single text or varying texts apt to be accepted 
by these three religions. 

Who does not see the great advantage there 
is in this process, which will give very opposite 
meanings to the same words? Thus, the unity of 
minds will be accomplished in ambiguity, for it can- 
not be done otherwise. There is no other alterna- 
tive: conversion or ambiguity. I choose this expedient 
which allows one to do away with the "Real 
Presence." 

When Catholics will see Protestants receive 
Communion at their Masses, without having been 
converted, they will no longer have confidence in 
their ancient "Real Presence." It will be explained 
to them that this Presence only exists insofar as 
it is believed. Thus, they will feel themselves to 
be the creators of their entire religion, and the most 
intelligent among them will know how to draw the 
required conclusions. 

To weaken further the notion of "Real Pres- 
ence" of Christ, all decorum will have to be set 
aside. No more costly embroidered vestments; no 
more sacred music, especially no more Gregorian 
chant, but a music in jazz style; no more Sign of 
the Cross; no more genuflections, but only digni- 
fied and stern attitudes. 

Moreover the faithful will have to break them- 



How Church Should Sing Glory of Man 111 

selves of the habit of kneeling, and this will be abso- 
lutely forbidden when receiving Communion. 

Very soon, the Host will be laid in the hand 
in order that all notion of the Sacred be erased. 

It will not be a bad thing to allow certain per- 
sons (previously chosen) to receive Communion 
under the two species, as priests do . . . because those 
who will not receive wine will become terribly jeal- 
ous and therefore be tempted to abandon all relig- 
ion (which is to be hoped for). 

Besides, it will be strongly recommended not 
to say Mass anymore on weekdays; modern people 
have no time to lose. Another excellent method will 
consist in saying Mass at home, in the family, just 
before or after the meal taken in common. For this 
purpose, the fathers and mothers will be allowed 
to receive the Sacrament of Orders. 

Who does not see the advantage of this method, 
which removes the need of costly places for the 
religion. 

In order to destroy all sacredness in the wor- 
ship, the priest will be invited to say the whole Mass 
in the vernacular and especially to recite the words 
of the Consecration as a narration — which they are 
in reality. He must not, above all, pronounce the 
following words: 'This is my Body, this is my Blood," 
as if he really took the place of Christ who 



112 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

pronounced them. 

Let everyone feel that the priest is reading a 
narration. Furthermore, there must never be ques- 
tion of a sacrifice, that is, a Mass-Sacrifice, a non- 
bloody renewal of the Sacrifice of the Cross. No 
Protestant accepts this phrase. Mass must only be 
a community meal for the greater welfare of human 
fraternity. 

Moreover, when the Universal Church will be 
established, Mass will have no more reason to exist, 
except in families, I mean, the most fanatical ones. 

We have to put up with this kind of people. 
But precisely by staying at home, they will become 
inoffensive. The prayers of the Ordinary of the Mass 
will be simplified to their maximum, and soon 
permission will be given to say but three prayers, 
that is, the Offertory, the Consecration and the 
Communion. 

When we shall have succeeded in presenting 
different, simplified and humanized texts, it will be 
a good thing to recall, for the edification of the 
future generations, that there were some prayers 
of the Mass, called "of Saint Pius V," which greatly 
contributed to keeping the crowds in medieval 
obscurantism. 

The following Offertory prayer is a model of 
its kind; it says: "Receive, O Holy Father, Almighty 



How Church Should Sing Glory of Man 113 

and Eternal God, this Spotless Host, which I, Thy 
unworthy servant, offer to Thee my living and true 
God, for my own countless sins, transgressions and 
negligences; for all here present and for all faithful 
Christians, living and dead, that it may avail both 
me and them unto salvation in everlasting life. 
Amen." 

Who could say it better? 

I suggest that all monasteries work on the com- 
position of several Offertories and also of other 
prayers of the Mass. And, since the Offertory is an 
offering of bread, it seems sensible to me simply 
to say: "We bring here this bread made by the hand 
of man and which must serve as food for men." 

Anyway, the words which tend to present this 
ceremony as sacred must be suppressed. 

I will give only one example: In the old Mass, 
we have always said: "Jesus took bread in His Holy 
and Venerable hands". . .The word "Holy" must dis- 
appear from our vocabulary. We will not mention 
"Holy and Venerable Hands," we will say instead, 
"He took bread, blessed it," etc. . . . 

This is a good example of the spirit with which 
this work must be pursued. For my part, I have 
not time at present, but later I will also compose 
one or more Masses of my own. On the other hand, 
this is a monk's work. Of course, when Mass will 



114 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

include only three obligatory prayers, it will always 
be permitted to add psalms, hymns, lectures and 
sermons. . .according to each one's taste. 

Since this Mass will be only a common meal, 
it will be very important that this table be large 
enough to seat twelve persons. 

I always thought it ridiculous that to eat, these 
people are obliged to inconvenience themselves and 
to rush out of their pews (one cannot deny that 
at the Communion table there is often a shuffle). 
It is their fault; why do thev call a simple railing 
a "table ? 

Therefore, I would like to see each church filled 
with tables, each one capable of seating twelve per- 
sons. Some believe that, at the Last Supper, there 
were thirteen, but since everybody is scared of that 
number, we will adopt the belief that Judas had 
gone out before the breaking of the bread. This 
will require ordaining a much larger number of 
priests. It is easy. It will be sufficient to require 
only a certain good will, a certain good conduct 
and no unending studies — no celibacy, of course. 
Nevertheless, those who wish to benefit by the 
strength brought about by continence will be monks 
or hermits, and those who wish to study will be 
theologians. There will be many kinds of priests. 
The usual one will be the married man, who will 
say Mass at home, at each meal. Since Mass will 
only be a "Lord's Supper," it will no longer be an 



How Church Should Sing Glory of Man 115 
act of adoration, but an act of fraternization. 

It will not give thanks for illusory favors; it will 
not bring a forgiveness which it is unable to give; 
it will ask for nothing of the unknown mystery, but 
everything of man . . . 

The Universal Church would therefore be 
entirely to the glory of man; it would exalt his great- 
ness, his strength, his virility It would offer incense 
to his rights and sing his victories. 



15 

How "Raven Hair" Writes 

A Letter Worthy Of Medieval 

And Romantic Obscurantism 

When I had finished my work on this first cate- 
chism, I received a long letter from "Raven Hair." 
An amazing letter, it said this: 

"Darling: 

"Thank you for the confidence which you have 
shown me and which incites me to open my heart 
completely to you. What does this heart say? That 
it loves you . . . and you know it . . .you know it only 
too well. 

"It seems to me that your heart desires to have 
me share all your ideas, but I do not have this 
pretension; I only want to cry out to you, 'Beware, 
there lies a deathtrap!' 

"Read, keep on reading. I pray you, do not 
get angry before you have read all my letter and 

116 



"Raven Hair" Writes a Letter 117 

have pondered on it. Surely, you think that you are 
right, as strongly as I do, but I tell you: read His- 
tory again; the Church is immortal; you are wast- 
ing your time; you are wasting your strength. You 
cannot overpower God. If only you wanted to pon- 
der on this: It is not because you do not believe 
in God that He does not exist. 

"This ought to be easy for you to understand, 
because you believe it in the opposite sense. You 
imagine that God does not exist because I believe 
that He does. It is true that to believe or not to 
believe ultimately has no power at all. 

"But, my Darling, all that lives around you 
proclaims the Presence of God. Have you made the 
seeds, have you made the laws? Is there a single 
blade of grass that is your work and therefore your 
property? Your own person does not belong to 
you . . .you did not ask to live and you possess noth- 
ing that you have not received. 

"Even if you succeed in creating that strange 
Godless Church, you will not have won, because 
God would not be diminished by it. In no way can 
you diminish Him, nor of course, kill Him. I weep 
for you because you are engaged in this childish 
war. This God whom you wish to destroy is every- 
where, Master of everything. By Him alone you live; 
by Him alone you keep on living. You might suc- 
ceed in shaking His Church; this has happened 
many times during the last 2,000 years. . .but always 



118 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

it has revived more beautiful and stronger. The 
Church of Jesus Christ, Darling, has received the 
promise of Eternal Life; it knows and cries out to 
you by my mouth that the Holy Trinity will never 
abandon it and that all the attacks made against 
it are but trials which allow for purifying the Faith. 

"Many souls, my Dear, will yield to the temp- 
tation of joining a completely human Church, which 
will mix up all beliefs so as to render them unrecog- 
nizable, but the Catholic Church will continue to 
stand. If you persecute it, it will go into hiding, 
but its soul will always remain standing. For the 
mark of this Church is the submission to a Revela- 
tion which comes from Heaven. Its particular 
domain is different from the one which you are 
accustomed to see. Its domain is Supernatural and 
Holy, so it matters not whether we are intelligent 
or not. My poor Darling, you are too intelligent. 
Moreover, you received a shock in your childhood. 
I do not ask you what kind. Have you not reached 
the age of looking upon the past with a serene soul? 
It seems to me that unconsciously you are seeking 
revenge. Is this a noble attitude? You were a very 
pious boy until you reached fourteen years of age, 
you told me, so that all my letter is asking you is 
to think — you know that. If you had been born in 
atheism, I would understand that you could not 
grasp that the domain of Faith belongs to another 
realm. 

"I fear that your hatred for God and His Church 



"Raven Hair" Writes a Letter 119 

is the proof that you are not just a rebel, but a 
rebel who is a believer. It is said that they are the 
fiercest ones. I pity you with my whole heart, 
because you have lost in advance, and I am not 
scared, not at all. You might win a certain number 
of souls to your perverse doctrines, maybe even a 
part of the Clergy (although I do not believe it), 
but you will never win all the souls; on the con- 
trary, you will fortify the Saints. Yes, my poor dear 
friend, by attacking the Church of God you are but 
a toy in the hands of the Ail-Powerful. You believe 
yourself to be strong, but you are only strong inso- 
far as God permits. Fear the day when the Lord 
will say: 'It is enough, I have heard the prayers of 
those who suffer, and I have decided to comfort 
them by destroying My enemies.' God's enemy risks 
being His enemy for all Eternity, to his great despair, 
but it will be too late. 

"You behave as if the Holy Church had no more 
power than a human institution, but we, we hold 
in our hands all that is needed to overthrow all 
the mountains of the world. But, by killing us, you 
will not destroy the forces which constitute our 
prerogative. 

"When you are near me, when you are far away 
from me, Christ is between us two; I speak to Him, 
He looks at you, how He looks at you! 

"How could it be otherwise, since I speak to 
Him about you, even in my dreams. You believe 



120 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

that you are free, that you are strong. What a mis- 
take you make! Even if I had to die today be very 
certain that I would continue to fight against your 
liberty — at least, against the use that you are mak- 
ing of it. I would marshal up the strength which 
you believe to represent the very strength of God. 

"Do not smile, my big Darling; no, do not smile, 
but rather remember your childhood. . .you will see 
that you recognize very well this Invisible but so 
formidable Strength. . .but also so kind. My heart 
and my soul possess inexhaustible and indestructi- 
ble powers; think about it calmly remove from your 
mind all that your passion can dictate to you . . .do 
not willingly be deaf, nor willingly blind, it is not 
an attitude worthy of a man of heart . . . but you 
have turned your heart toward a love which is based 
on hatred, the hatred of God. 

"Do you know that hatred is often the cry of 
a deceived love? 

"As for me, I am sure that God loves you with 
a special love and that He is waiting for you with 
His customary patience. And since, at the present 
time, you do not want to pray to this God of Good- 
ness, I am taking your place, and it is in your name 
that a thousand times a day I offer to the All- 
powerful Lord the merits of His Son, those of the 
very holy Virgin Mary, of all the Saints known and 
unknown ... I offer them with joy and confidence 
all day long and even during my sleep. 



"Raven Hair" Writes a Letter 121 

"You wish to transform the Mass and reduce 
it to a community meal . . .What a mockery! 
Masses — why we have already offered a few billion 
of them since the first Mass on Holy Thursday! 
Masses — why they go up as an incense of adoration 
at least one every second, and that throughout the 
whole day! I unite myself to these Adorable Sacrifices 
by which the Son again offers Himself for the salva- 
tion of mankind. I unite and offer myself to Him, 
I, who am so small ... it seems that this offering is 
ridiculous, since I am so 'nothing' compared to Him. 
Of course, I am nothing. . .each one of us knows 
it perfectly well, and those who do not know it are 
to be pitied. There lies, I believe, the great differ- 
ence between believers and unbelievers. Believers 
offer what they have received and which is immense; 
the others only desire to reign or to command or 
to discover or to dominate — or even to destroy 

"When I offer myself with Him at the Holy 
Sacrifice of the Mass, I thus offer all that He has 
given me; I give Him as a gift His own gifts and 
charities as a homage of gratitude. . . 

"If you only knew all the loving interchanges 
which go on between Heaven and us. . .you would 
be crushed by fear, for you could then assess the 
mockery of your actions. I can only shed tears for 
you and these tears I offer as precious pearls. You 
have suffered and you have rebelled. If you had 
looked at a crucifix and if you had humbly prayed 
to the Lord to grant you His Peace and the strength 



122 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

to forgive, you would have felt such sweetness that 
spontaneously you would have thanked Him for the 
grief which had been graciously granted to you. 

"Because this suffering was a beneficent gift, 
God was treating you as His beloved vineyard and 
was pruning you so that you could bear more fruit. 
(Is it not a fact that the vine never does prune itself?) 
But what fruit will the work bear which you have 
undertaken?. . .Fruits of bitterness, of solitude and 
of despair. 

"Do you believe that I alone am fighting against 
you? No, my prayers are heard and transmitted by 
the immense assembly of those who have already 
reached Heaven. 

"Do not smile, because the immortality of the 
soul is the only thing in yourself which you will 
never be able to destroy. The immortality of the 
soul . . . mark well these words, because they pre- 
cisely mean that death does not exist. Every house 
should have these words engraved in golden letters 
on the walls of the sitting room. Instead of fearing 
death or of simply hating its notion, it should be 
known that death does not exist, and this is some- 
thing infinitely more serious. 

"Darling, I would prefer that you never loved 
me on this earth rather than to know that you are, 
for all Eternity, in that place where tears never dry. 
For I love you." 



16 

How The Sacrifice Of A Dear Friend 

Seems To Be Drowned In A 

Torrent Which Is About To Renovate 

The Face Of The Church 

I answered "Raven Hair's" letter by an increase 
in anti-apostolic zeal. 

At that time, when we were nearing the end 
of this stupid war, I prepared a large number of 
attacks, for which I expected complete victory in 
a maximum of thirty years. I was musing about the 
year 1974, when I thought that I could celebrate 
the birth of a Universal Church without God. 

My hatred for the Supernatural not only gave 
me genius, but also unbelievable strength for my 
double work. For let us not forget, I was studying 
theology, and it was very important that I should 
get good grades. In fact, I was the best in every- 
thing, which caused me to laugh and strength- 
ened me in my conviction that a God who did 

123 



124 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

not take pains to defend his true faithful did not 
exist. 

The word "supernatural" conceals all that man 
does not understand behind changing curtains, 
moved by fanciful delusions. I decided to destroy 
this bad theater. I entrusted to my correspondents 
the task of expurgating the New Testament of every- 
thing which was not perfectly natural and explain- 
able. This work is quite useful, since Christ Himself 
believed in His own Divinity, at least if we accept 
what some pretend that He said. But since it is 
impossible to distinguish between what He really 
said and what the Evangelists have added, we must 
refuse to admit altogether all that is repugnant to 
common sense. 

As I have already said, the most virile action 
is the one which attacks the problem of children 
and exerts a strong influence on their feeble minds. 
With the most ardent conviction, I sent orders con- 
cerning the liberty of each individual, liberty which 
must be granted to every child as soon as it can 
walk and speak. It is shameful, truly and terribly 
shameful, that parents oblige their children to go 
to Mass every Sunday. It is not less shameful that 
they register them for catechism classes without 
asking them their advice. 

It follows from this that these poor little ones 
believe themselves obliged to receive Communion, 
even when they prefer to go out to play. What more 



The Sacrifice of a Dear Friend 125 

can we say about Baptism, which is conferred on 
them at their very birth!!! There starts the real scan- 
dal. I suggested an energetic campaign of informa- 
tion for youth. 

Let everybody devote himself, at church, at cat- 
echism classes, at school, on the radio, in order that 
all the children of the world be informed of their 
absolute right to say "No" to their parents, when 
they want to make them become obedient and 
hypocritical little Christians. 

A happy day it will be when thousands of chil- 
dren will say openly and joyfully: "I am not a Chris- 
tian. I do not believe in God. I am not so naive 
as my parents, who are old and good for nothing." 

On the other hand, I had a burning desire to 
see "Raven Hair" again, and this desire was ful- 
filled without my having humbly to request it. 

I received a charming word of invitation, tell- 
ing me that she wanted to present me a request. 

On a Saturday, when the sun was shining very 
brightly, I charged at top speed into the shop where 
"Raven Hair" was waiting for me. Who will ever 
be able to understand the meaning for me of those 
ordinary words: " 'Raven Hair' is waiting for me"? 

"Raven Hair" was so completely mine that I 
would have liked to cut her hair so that no one 



126 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

else could see it. Cut it! What a criminal idea had 
come into my mind! 

She was all sweetness and love when she told 
me that she had a request to make. I almost trem- 
bled. But all that she wanted was simply to draw 
my hands which are, they say, admirable. Truly 
women have some absurd, though charming ideas. 

I posed, therefore, for the whole afternoon with 
a patience that the angels would envy me for, if 
they existed, and this solely for my hands. 

Sketches were quickly drawn, one after the 
other, on the floor, and I was floating in a sort of 
ecstasy, which must be called perfect happiness, 
I suppose. . .at least, since then, I do not recall 
having felt one so grand. 

I know that no one will believe it, but our union 
was so strong and perfect during those hours that 
I doubt whether the trivial carnal union can cause 
such a happiness, which seemed to elude time. 
When enough sketches had been made, my charm- 
ing enemy explained to me that they were certainly 
destined to perform great things. I was almost 
embarrassed, because the truth was that my hands 
seemed to have a liking for death and murder. 

It was on that same day that she allowed me 
to undo her hair and to play with it. I tried differ- 
ent hairdos, I braided it, I rolled it, then I brushed 



The Sacrifice of a Dear Friend 127 

it with great care, as if I would never see it again, 
as if I was preparing it for a painful sacrifice. Why 
did I have such a strange feeling on that day? But 
the whole day was truly strange. Even today, I can- 
not explain whence came those mysterious feelings. 

We separated with tragic difficulty "Will see 
you next Saturday" "Next Saturday," we both said, 
as if this hope were to be written in a prophetic 
memory, as if we would find in it our only basis 
for good-bye, as if we wanted to overthrow in advance 
all obstacles. . .Overthrow obstacles!!! And I who 
had completely forgotten that on that Saturday we 
would begin our retreat, we who would receive 
Orders in only a few days. 

I therefore had to write a short letter to "Raven 
Hair" and invent a plausible lie. I would have liked 
to add in all simplicity that I would soon go to Rome 
and that I hoped that she would follow me there. 

But how can I talk of simplicity when every- 
thing in me cried out that I was entering a slavery 
much worse than the one which I had suffered dur- 
ing these six years of seminary? 

In Rome, I would be caught in the gears of 
the Eternal City; I would be caught, but I would 
console myself, remembering that I was the parti- 
cle of sand which must jam the machine — jam it 
so well that it could never be repaired. 



128 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

I therefore started my retreat to prepare myself 
for the last ceremony which would make me a priest 
for eternity. 

Since I do not believe in eternity, I did not 
suffer by this prospect. It was just a bad moment 
to go through, as at the dentist's, when there for 
a good reason. 

The important thing is to have faith, and mine 
was worth theirs. What am I saying? Mine surpassed 
theirs, because it was not childish, filled with scares 
and terrors. The great day arrived at last, as jour- 
nalists say I w T as calm. Many tried to make up for 
my absent family. Each one rivaled the other in 
kindness. A nice little scuffle would have done me 
more good, but it is difficult to want to be a half 
supernatural being and at the same time claim the 
right to hit a few enemies, even fictitious ones. 

When I entered the chapel, I was perfectly 
modest and humble. These virtues are an easy game 
to play, when a secret pride and a higher aim sup- 
port them. 

I was walking with a gliding step, eyes lowered, 
when a stifled cry, exclamations and a real disorder 
were heard on my left. Normally, I should not have 
looked. But I disobeyed my conscience (I mean the 
one which they had created for me and which I 
manipulated with amusement). 



The Sacrifice of a Dear Friend 129 

I saw young men lifting a fainted girl. Her man- 
tilla had fallen and her long black hair was dissar- 
ranged and was dragging on the floor of the chapel. 
When I lifted my eyes to turn them away from this 
scene, I met the keen look of the professor who 
had acted as my mailbox. 

What was he doing there? Was he the one who 
had brought "Raven Hair?" 

During this short exchange of looks, I thought 
that I read in this man the expression of a cruel 
triumph. 

I promised myself that I would discover the 
truth and that I would make whomever had com- 
mitted this infamy pay dearly for it. The rest of 
the day, therefore, passed in a sorrowful mist. Each 
one could surmise all kinds of doubts about me, 
but I did not care. I did not even have any more 
desire to seem honorably pious and to hear soft 
voices prophesy my future holiness. 

Happily, the student came to greet me. He was 
my only friend. I told him briefly what had hap- 
pened and I asked him to make an inquiry I wanted 
to know, I wanted to kill, I wanted to cry out, to 
defend myself, to defend her — especially to defend 
her — but it was too late, forever too late. If only 
I had the courage to tell her all by myself, she might 
have accepted suffering in silence and loving me 
secretly. 



130 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

During the following days, I prepared my trip 
to the U.S.A., where I wanted to visit the most 
important Protestant sects in order to find out how 
to control them. Until then, forcibly, I had been 
obliged to neglect too much the important factor 
of faith, so solidly anchored in the Protestant world. 
It was imperative that I should know well this aspect 
of the problem before going on to continue my 
studies in Rome. Just before my departure, the stu- 
dent came running to tell me the news which would 
make me suffer the most: the entrance of "Raven 
Hair" into a Carmelite monastery She was there 
for my sake; never anymore would she have the 
least lover's joy. . .for my sake. I do not know if 
I would not have preferred to see her die. Anyway, 
I swore to myself that I would have all the monaster- 
ies of the world opened and in particular the con- 
templative monasteries. I launched a very ardent 
campaign against gratings, and I even had requests 
sent to the Pope, through very naive nuns. 

I reminded them that gratings had been neces- 
sary to keep unwilling young girls from escaping 
who had been forced to enter by their parents. It 
was to prevent them from running away and from 
corresponding that those gratings were double and 
reinforced by wooden shutters. I did all that I could 
to obtain that this vestige of so-called divine 
imprisonment be abolished. I invoked, above all, 
the sense of honor of these consecrated virgins, in 
order that they might foster the holy desire to remain 
freely cloistered in houses open to all. Later, I went 



The Sacrifice of a Dear Friend 131 

much further, by imploring the nuns to return to 
the world, which needed their presence very much. 
I even persuaded them that they would do more 
good by not showing, by a special dress, what they 
were. 

There were writers keen enough to write whole 
books on this subject, with a luxury of vocabulary 
truly admirable. I also fought tooth and nail against 
the custom of shaving the heads of cloistered nuns. 
I contended that their shaved heads rendered them 
ridiculous when they had to go to a clinic to undergo 
some operation. I insisted on the young vocations 
which were stupidly lost on account of these cus- 
toms of another age. I attacked the old and solemn 
costumes, so heavy in summer and not very effi- 
cient against cold in winter. I suggested that all 
the rules and constitutions be carefully revised, 
preferably by men (in their generosity, women have 
a certain tendency toward exaggeration). 

But, when I beheld the great extension of my 
work, I stumbled on a silent obstacle, although so 
small in the face of the Cosmos ... a modest and 
very secret Carmelite monastery from which I never 
received a single letter. On the one side, there was 
the world; on the other, this jail. I had command 
over the first, but I was a prisoner of the other. 

Nevertheless, my work did not suffer from 
this — on the contrary. 



132 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Paradoxically, I almost boiled with rage when 
I considered the uselessness of "Raven Hair's" sac- 
rifice, a sacrifice so total and vain! 

My work was functioning at a rather monoto- 
nous pace when rumors concerning the possible 
opening of a Universal Council came to stimulate 
my zeal. I learned that some schemas were being 
prepared by order of the Pope. I convinced my 
superiors that maybe a definitive role could be 
played. I was then appointed to the highest post. 
Everything depended on me, and my funds were 
practically unlimited. 

I financed leftist reviews and also a large num- 
ber of journalists, who performed excellent work 
afterwards. All my hopes laid principally on alter- 
nate schemas, which I had suggested through much- 
advanced and audacious theologians. 

I think that ambition guided them; it is the 
most powerful of driving forces. I succeeded in 
obtaining copies of all the official schemas, I mean, 
those commanded by the Pope. They were, for me, 
catastrophic, absolutely calamitous, and I weigh my 
words. Even at this very hour, many years after the 
end of the Council, I still shudder with cold (a stu- 
pid expression which I use through laziness). 

Suppose that these schemas were edited and 
widely circulated, and all my work would be set 
back to zero (or almost). Finally, thanks to my zeal 



The Sacrifice of a Dear Friend 133 

and especially to the money which I spent as if 
it were inexhaustible, the modernist schemas (oh, 
very timidly modernist, I must confess) were brought 
in secretly to the Council and presented with 
audacity to replace the official ones, about which 
they complained for not having been worked out 
in full liberty, the holy liberty of the children of 
God (as they say). 

This sleight-of-hand trick filled the whole 
Assembly with such stupefaction that they have not 
yet gotten over it and will never be able to — which 
proves that audacity always pays. Is it not what 
Danton has said? 



Nevertheless, I am not satisfied. No, this Coun- 
cil was not what I was hoping for. We will have 
to wait for Vatican III. There we will gain a com- 
plete victory. As for Vatican II, I do not know what 
happened. It seemed as if an invisible devil would 
stop all our efforts of modernization, just at the 
moment they would have become efficacious. 
Strange and maddening! 



Happily, since then we have found the 
astuteness — which consists in hiding behind the 
"Spirit of the Council" — to launch all kinds of thrill- 
ing innovations. This expression, "Spirit of the 



134 AA 1025 — Memoirs of an Anti-Apostle 

Council," has become for me a master-trump. As 
for me, it is like playing a game of cards. I cut and 
over-cut, or I play the master-trump, which enables 
me to pick up the last little hearts, the small non- 
silvery clubs and the disarmed little spades. But 
it will be only at Vatican III that I will be able 
to present myself with hammer and nails, not to 
nail God on His Cross, but rather to nail Him in 
His coffin. 

THE END 

The briefcase contained no schemas concerning 
Vatican III, and yet it is very probable that such 
texts do exist and are studied, compared, made 
worse. . .In a small notebook, a few notes in Rus- 
sian, which I had discreetly translated, also gave me 
brief indications about the future projects of my 
wounded man. 

For people like Michael, Vatican 11 was only a 
trial-balloon which history will hardly mention. But 
Vatican 111 will seal the alliance of Christianity and 
Marxism, and the most remarkable change will be 
the plurality of religious dogmas and the uncom- 
promising character of social dogmas. 

All religions, Christian or not, forming but one 
vast Association, will be reduced to their common 
denominator, "magic," and will give to the subcon- 
scious (at least to the more crafty) a real power con- 
trolled by the "Pure" (read, "Marxist"). 



The Sacrifice of a Dear Friend 135 



The surprising thing is that nobody ever came 
to claim Michael's papers, at least, not until today. 
But he had bought his car under a false name and 
probably neglected to inform anyone of his trip. 

I do not know where "Raven Hair" is. Maybe 
she is still in a Carmelite Monastery in which the 
prioress must have maintained the Faith of older days. 
Maybe this book will someday discreetly penetrate 
into that Carmelite Monastery, that "Raven Hair" 
might know that I also pray for Michael. 



Comments from Headers 



The author, Marie Carre, has received many 
approbations; here are the most characteristic: 

■ "The case presented in this book is not an imagi- 
nary one, alas; if my memory is correct, it is in 
a recent 'Bulletin of Aid to the Church in Need,' 
that a specialist of problems behind the Iron Cur- 
tain asserts that Bishop "N" is in fact an 
agent. . .and that he is the one who had 10,000 
churches closed in Russia." 

■ "I congratulate you for having uncovered the core 
of the 'devilish system' which so few know and for 
having expounded it, not as an abstract professor, 
but on the march, so to speak, and in efferves- 
cence,' in a man possessed by the Devil." 

■ "The story is poignant, and I believe that it rests 
on a basis of reality. I am convinced that there 
are in the Church, among the priests and maybe 
the bishops, some people who have been of the AA." 

■ "I was asking myself if this little book would have 
some influence on our countrymen, who read very 
little. Yes indeed, true Christians are familiar with 
the Gospel texts in which there is very little abstract 
theology and many stories. And all of theology is 
contained there. They understand AA-1025'/ 

These manuscript texts, perfectly authentic, come 
from correspondents whose names will not be divulged 
because they belong to the personal correspondance 
of the author. — The Editor 



'Three times I have read AA-1025, written by 
Marie Carre. I believe it my duty to invite all Catholics 
to read this book, if they wish to understand clearly 
what the Holy Father, Pope Paul VI, wishes to say 
when he puts Catholics on guard against the auto- 
demolition of the Church, that is to say, its destruc- 
tion from within." 

— Mgr. Ira Bourassa 

Therbrooke, Quebec, Canada 

'The book of Marie Carre, AA-1025, is a poign- 
ant document. It deserves to be spread, for it will 
open the eyes of the faithful to the diabolical plots 
of the Communists. I have ordered a dozen copies 
to pass out." 

— Can. Georges Panneton, 

Three Rivers, Quebec, Canada 

"If one wishes to know the tactics employed by 
the Communist Party to infiltrate and subvert the Cath- 
olic Church from within, one must read AA-1025. It 
is a tale of a diabolical adventure which catches at 
one's throat, not to organize a 'Witch hunt,' but to 
be informed before it is too late." 

— Joseph d'Anjou, S.J., 

14, Dauphine St., Quebec, Canada 

'The fantastic plan to turn the Church into an 
instrument of Communist conquest would be unbeliev- 
able if we were not every day witnesses of its 
realization." 

— Henry MacFarland 



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